Resurgent
by PrincessBlonde
Summary: Death is the what many men desire but what happens when a sixteen year old Dauntless dies trying to set a memory serum? She gets a second chance at life- to change the past- Tris meets God and he gives her a choice- re-live her life with memories of the future and try to bring a change or stay in heaven in peace. Story is definitely better than summary- just give it a chance.
1. Chapter 1- Paradox

As my eyes opened all I could see was a blinding expanse of white, a peaceful white but white all the same. I try and remember where I was or who I was and how long I had been here. Suddenly my head exploded with pain and it all came running back from Beatrice to Tris to Tobias and what Caleb had done and the serum, it could only mean one thing….

"Yes Beatrice, you are dead," a soft voice replied to hear thoughts.

" Wh..What?" I stammer, not ready to believe it just yet.

" Yes Child and we do not have much time, you must make your choice- a hard life in your past, so that you can change it and save those who you love, especially Tobias, from a very painful life or death but remember there will be some events, some which even might be extremely painful for you and others around you including Tobias, more so for him because he might not be able to stand your pain or you can stay here and wait for them to come here one by one, away from a world that is falling apart, but it is your choice Tris."

"Where are you and what proof do you have, for all I know it could be another stimulation," I yell.

"Bea, trust me," a white clad figure came out from the light calling me yet another name from my past.

I squint and looked at the figure and looked as my life flashes by in its hand, my thoughts out loud and realize that I am indeed in presence of God. I shut my eyes but am interrupted "I would love to give you your change Tris but you have to choose now, after that it would be too late to save them."

I sigh, I could not choose, how could I? Peace and isolation or war and Tobias, was it really a choice?

"Selfish, it is self indulgent to choose something for yourself, think of others first." I shiver with both joy and sadness at her voice and make my choice. I would never admit it but the choice was more inclined towards meeting Tobias and not saving the world.

"I will go."

"Well, then, good luck."

ILOVETOBIASILOVETOBIASPAGEBREAKILOVETOBIAS

I open my eyes and see myself staring, at my reflection and behind it my mother, trimming my hair and my clothes gray, just like her, and tears welled up in my eyes. She is alive or this was a dream.

"So today is the day, are you nervous?" She asks and I turn and bury my face in plain grey shirt. I did not which day it was but I had an idea, one which made my tears come out faster, when I realize that I am showing weakness and immediately stiffen and wipe my tears composing myself. I shudder thinking of what Tobias would say.

"Shh, shh Beatrice, everything will be fine, your aptitude test will be fine, now come on do not be so selfish."

"Sorry Mum," I reply

TIMESKIPTIMESKIPILOVETOBIASBTW

I blink my eyes and am in the same hallway with the two bowls- the knives and the cheese. I know what I have to do now- hide my divergence and get an aptitude result for dauntless. This was a hard decision- knowing that I only have a little time with them if I fail and I remember the felling I had when I was looking at Caleb, it was something between desperation and despair, my stomach had tied into knots and Matthew's tortures came rushing back but at that moment he was just Caleb- not an Erudite.

I snapped out of my thoughts as I heard Matthews's voice asking me to choose and this time I picked up the knife though all I wanted to do was hunt her down and kill her as slowly as possible- after taking the video of course.

The dog's snarl caught my attention and I did not hesitate to drive the knife through its heart. Suddenly I was in a court and my father was standing in the prisoner's box.

"Do you know this man?" he asked

I hesitated, this wasn't my test! This was new and different and I had to work on hiding my divergence. It killed me but I did the only thing I could do to eliminate Condor, I lied. Coward my brain seemed to taunt me and I hoped that it did not reveal my divergence.

I was back in the infamous chair, where all my life had been tossed into hell but now I kept quite even though I wanted to ask what my test results were, I did not and neither did I ask about the hawk like last time instead I just waited.

"Congratulations, Tris, you are Dauntless," Tori said and I let out a sigh of relief. I was safe. For now.

~ILOVETOBIASEATNPAGEBREAK~

Now at the Choosing Ceremony I stand in line with all the sixteen year olds and watch as Caleb makes his way over to choose his faction- Erudite. Watching him, talking to him everything is very difficult now, the anger and the guilt, I have to keep reminding myself that this is the past; he has not done anything yet. I look towards my parents as his blood turns the water red, looking at them for the last time before I leave them for a second time. I wanted to stay with them and live my life- but then I realized that staying with them meant a greater chance of failing, how am I supposed to stop the attack if I am in Abnegation? I also realized that if I had never joined Dauntless then the Erudite would have succeeded but what made my choice were the deep ocean blue eyes that haunt me day and night. I cannot live without Tobias Eaton, and the only chance to meet him, is being Dauntless.

I take the knife from Marcus and have to refrain myself from plunging it in his stomach. I do not look at anyone as I cut my palm and let my blood sizzle over the coals. I keep my head down as I join the cheering mass of black and do not turn to look at my family as we walk out of the room. I do not need to, try as hard as I can but I still will never be able to forget my father's look of outrage and the betrayal in his eyes, that I saw the first time I did this. The look of betrayal still stings, it just makes me want to run and beg for forgiveness and stay with them. I cannot lose them to David again, I wonder if Mom is still in touch with that schemer?

I run with my faction, down the stairs and for the first time since I woke I feel as if I am home, the pounding if feet and the air filling my lungs, making me laugh in pure joy, in God knows how long- I have not laughed since the day I watched Marlene die. She is not dead, you are here to save her and Uriah and Will and everyone else, I remind myself sternly. I am so lost in my thoughts- I bump into the back of a Dauntless born as they line up for the train.

"Watch it, will you?" he snarls and my eyes go wide, as I see Uriah, a smirk on his face like always. My eyes widen and I stare, here is my friend- the one who died because of Tobias- standing alive and well, smirking at me, how can I not stare? It just makes all of this more real or maybe my past a vision or dream.

"Like watch you see?" he asks pulling me out of my train of thoughts and I turn to walk towards where the transfers are my face red. I cannot show them I have already done this, I must mix in the crowd of transfers- I cannot shine or Eric will just set on me, hell bent on finding my divergence.

I run along with the Dauntless borns and jump onto the train sliding myself in perfectly-I have done this thousands of time after all- and hang from the handle, felling the wind ruffle my hair, which I had taken out of the standard Abnegation bun, my jacket swishing behind me and my eyes closed. I sigh in pure pleasure.

"Whoa, Stiff, I would have thought you are a Dauntless- born with that style," Uriah says and I mentally face palm myself, I am not supposed to reveal my identity. I smile at Uri and walk to the doors where I see Christiana running and move back when she lands in the carriage.

"That was fun," she says and I not.

"Agreed," I reply smiling broadly at my best friend.

"Christiana," she says and I shake her hand.

"Tris," I introduce myself. Looking at her, I am almost tempted to cry, she brings memories of Will and Cara with her, but before I can do that, I tell her to sit down so that we are not thrown out of the train. I am not getting her back just for us to fall out of the train. This time I intend to fulfill my promises, she will always have me to turn to and Will and Uriah for the matter, I will not let Jeanine take our innocence and our lives. This time she is not against a bunch of Divergents, she is against someone out for her blood.

I see the Erudite boy who had become factionless last time, lose again but I do not feel bad- the factionless do not live a bad life- it is in fact better than those in the factions at times.

TIME SKIP TIME SKIP

I stand on the roof, my heart thundering in my chest, I was sent here to save people but how will I do that if I could not save Rita's sister. The rational part in my whispers that my mission is bigger and there was no chance to save her at all but a larger part refuses to listen.

"You sure you belong here Stiff?" I glance up at the sound of Peter's voice. His taunts had become meaningless a long time back.

"You sure you do Condor? I hear you are the one who was scared of jumping on the roof."

Max begins his speech before Peter has a chance to reply and them everyone backs up, leaving the space open for someone to make the first jump. I look back at Peter as I walk to the ledge and position myself at it, take of my baggy shirt and throw it at him, before turning back to look at everyone and taking a back dive with my arms spread into the air. For an instant all I fell is the sensation of falling before I land on the net and several hands are outstretched to help me up. I hold the one nearest to me. The owner of the hand has the same ocean blue that pulled me here and I cannot stop the Tobias that escapes like a sigh from my mouth. It is barely audible but I know he heard it by the way his eyes harden and he drops my hand abruptly. I sit and get off the net before turning to Lauren who once again says the same.

"A Stiff- first jumper unheard of."

I smile at her but Tobias is quicker with his reply

"There is a reason she left them," he says turning to me he asked my name. However I was so lost in thinking about what an idiot I am being revealing that I know these people and giving off that I have seen the future and thinking of Tobias's eyes and voice that I do not reply for a moment. He accepts my silence as hesitation and says "Choose wisely, you do not get to choose again."

" Tris," I say firmly and sigh internally as he makes the announcement, hearing my name from his lips was like getting a dose of the pace serum again, it filled me with happiness. I turn to him as Christiana falls screaming and think of how he will corner me and ask how I know him. I need a plan and I need one now but all this slips from my head as he puts his arm around my waist and says "Welcome to Dauntless."

I zone out as To- I mean Four takes us to the pit and nearly miss him yelling at Christina. It was so much like the time before the war that I sigh. Good old times, I think before I realize this is what it is old times.

"What a jerk," she says and I almost laugh. Wait till training Chirs.

"I guess he does not like to be laughed at," I say thinking about how much he indeed hates being laughed at.

I shiver as we near the chasm, memories both good and bad running through my head. This is the place Peter, Drew and Al hurt me, this is the place where Al died and this is the place where I had my first kiss. Wonder what will be the cost of me changing the past- what if Tobias does not like me? I shiver at the thought. I would never survive if that happens.

I am brought back to reality when I hear the pounding the Dauntless do for initiates every year and almost smile as I nearly catch Zeke's eye. I stop before I reveal myself.

I once again find myself sitting between Four and Christiana and I nearly grab a burger to put on my plate before I remember that I am supposed to be from Abnegation, and act like I have never seen a hamburger before, twirling the meat in hand.

"It is beef, put this on it," T-Four says but before I can eat the burger a feel an urge to throw up.

I run out towards the chasm before my stomach's contents make a re- appearance, along with a tiny bit of blood. I breathe deeply trying to extinguish the throbbing ache in skull when I turn to see T-Four behind me, concern evident in his deep oceanic eyes.

"I am fine," I say before he can ask and start to walk back towards the dining hall when I hear a ringing in my head and I hear a voice I have heard only once before "there will be some events, some which even might be extremely painful for you," and I do not why but I suddenly feel the urge to avoid any kind of meat. Coming back from the dead, I feel will have much more serious consequences than this but for now I am vegetarian.

I reach the dining hall and realize that my little sprint has attracted attention to me but saved Tobias from that awful conversation with Eric, because before I could even sit back in my seat, he took us initiates to give us the scary speech, again in my case, not that it scares me or anything. I already am Dauntless unlike him.

It is Christina's voice that wakes me up the next morning, something about unholy hours and trains which I successfully manage to avoid hearing as I rush breakfast eager to get to training.I zone out again as Four puts his gun to Peter's head and it's not until he barks at us to start shooting that I realize I am holding a gun and start to shake. Images of Will's lifeless body come back to me and I almost drop the cool metal in my hand. Out of thee corner of my eye I can see Four making his way towards me but that does not help me much. Suddenly I jolt forward when I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to stare at Will.

"Hey are you ok?" he asks and I manage a nod. Will is alive, Tris, I chant like a mantra, in my head. He is the same boy who was pointing out stats and maps to me, the boy my best friend fell for, not the emotionless zombie that I killed. Will is alive.

" Just the gun," I say before turning to the target, he is alive, Will is alive I chant through my head, you are here to save him, I tell myself but a tiny voice in the back of my head whispers that if I cannot shoot than I will not be able to kill him. Maybe I should just drop the gun but then I realize what I am doing, being a coward, if I cannot shoot, then I will definitely fail initiation, ruining everything. That is unacceptable. I hesitantly press the trigger when I see Four nearing and realize that I am just another initiate to him right now. Though it hurts, it clears my head and I realize that I have to shoot or else I will be factionless and fail in my mission and also los Tobias.

I shoot again and this time my bullet comes near the target, and everyone is shocked. "The Stiff, got it on her second try?" I hear Drew whisper.

"What?" Four and I snap at the same time, and everyone turns to get back to work after a very heavy pause.

I smile and turn back towards my own target and shoot again, coming painfully close to bulls eye and then compose myself and shoot. Bull's eye.

However my triumph deflates when I see Eric at the door way, eyeing me and smirk on his face.

A whole day has passed since the shooting but it has done little to reduce my anxiety, in fact it has only brought more things to my notice. I pretend to hear Christina as she goes on about how evil Peter and his lackeys are, but in reality I am thinking about yesterday's lunch. Will had sat next to us and so had Al. It was weird being near him, after the chasm incident and I had to remind myself that he had not done anything yet. I will save him this time, I think he did what he did not because he saw me as weak but because he was driven insane by liking me, so I at first tried to avoid him but then decided to take the brotherly approach, treating him the way I treat Caleb and even mentioned it at once. I just hope it works and that is when I hear the door open and my eyes follow T-Four as he walks out. I have trained myself well, trained myself to notice him. My heart rate picks up when I see the next pair of names- Christiana and Molly. How could I forget?

I hold her hand and stop her, before whispering "I know you can beat her, aim at her stomach and she is slow and always makes the first move. If she hits too hard, pretend to be unconscious and hook your feet around her ankle and trip her and no matter what do not concede. And do not let her hit you in the jaw," I add fighting a smile. I feel insane to be even thinking of jokes at the moment.

She gives me a weird look- as if asking- how do you know and I shrug it off with an I-will-tell you-later-look. I shiver as she steps into the ring; suddenly I am not here but near the chasm, seeing her hold on by her fingertips, when suddenly I feel a cool hand on my head.

"Tris, are you alright?" I hear Al and shake my head, realizing I had almost fainted. I try and concentrate on the fight and keep my hands crossed on my chest to resist taking comfort from Al. I watch as Molly beats up Chris and wince with all her injuries. However the fight is not as bad as I remember, Chris is yet on her feet and her hands are guarding her jaw quite well, but thankfully they do not leave her mid-section open. I laugh as she cleverly hooks her foot around Molly's ankle and pulls Molly off-balance, her head hitting the ground with a thud. I watch as she sits on top of Molly and repeatedly punches her jaw but Molly barely winces. How I had defeated her during my first initiation now seems beyond my understanding. I watch as Chris punches Molly's nose, breaking it but suddenly Chris falls backward, Molly just banged their heads. They both stand up and Molly has Chris off her feet in an instant, suddenly the fight is very much like the one I remember but thankfully this time Chris gets her hands around Molly's throat somehow chocking her but Molly bites her hand, causing her to wince and pull back. Few more punches to the temple and Chris is out. I know this sounds selfish but I am happy that she is unconscious- the alternative is too scary. I know that it is really hard for her to win against "the tank", for unlike me Chris does not know that elbows and knees can cause damage. Or maybe she does. I have no idea.

In the evening Chris bombards me with question about Molly and I answer all with the same answer-I sneaked on her and Peter practicing fighting late at night when I was out of the dorm. This seems to satisfy her but I know her inner Condor is still suspicious. I hate coming back in the past, I decide.

That is when I remember that I have to fight Peter tomorrow and grow nervous, no matter how much ever training I get, he will still be three times my size and thousand times stronger, not to mention that the spot where the bullet that ended my life had entered still aches. Desperately thinking of what to do I end up asking Christiana and Will to help me. When Al asks if he can help too, I hyperventilate thinking of the chasm and am about to politely decline when I realize worse memories are located with Peter.

"But why are you suddenly so eager to practice fighting Tris?"Chris and Will ask at the same time.

"Um… guys I did not fight today, so I will have to the fight the best fighter tomorrow, it is the only thing that makes sense," I say and Will nods.

"You could be Erudite, you know," he says and I tense.

" No, Caleb got the brains, I got the daring," I say and suddenly think of when Four told me that he loved Tris the divergent and start to think that my new attitude might put an end to our relationship, but how can a relationship which has not even begun end? Will he see me just as another anderline junkie? I hope not, I am not ready to break again.

Needless to say, the fighting does provide good distraction and continue well into the night. I just tomorrow is something better than today.

As I walk into the training room, my feet are unsteady and my heart beating at an absurd rate. It is all a fight but still it scares me. Funny, isn't it, how I am scared of a fight but not the Death serum, my sub conscious says, infuriating me. I wish it would shut up already. I see Tobias standing near the door and Eric perched on a chair near the fighting ring. Christina and Al sound miles away and the fights seem to be finishing in the blink of an eye. I am not scared, I am petrified.

I feel like I am reliving a moment, which in one way I am. As I walk to the fight, I feel exactly like how I felt last time, like I would throw up on him. I doubt that would work. Peter is not a bully but he is a trader, who thinks life is a game of profit and loss, I have to make him owe me or else I will lose a worthy fighter to that snarky little animal Jeannie.

I ignore his taunts and kick him in the side, or would have if he had not held my foot and tried to throw me off balance. He probably would have succeeded had I not jammed my other knee in his junk. I watch as his eyes grow large with rage as he held himself, while I push the heel of my hand into his nose, breaking it. However before I can knee him in the stomach, he is up and has kicked me to the ground. On your feet or he will keep you down is the only thing I can think, as the memories attack me. I am brought back into the world of the living when my bullet wound explodes with pain as Peter lands kicks and punches on me. Blood surrounds me and I throw up into it. I manage to land a few punches and kicks but when Peter pulls my hair back and knees me in the chest, I see Four leave and that means I am pretty bad. We fight with equal strength but suddenly I begin to feel tired and see Peter huffing as well. Unfortunately before I can hit him, he gives me a solid kick in my wound and I fall down, blood and foam coming out of my mouth. I punch and hit him and scrape my nails at him but he barely winces, except that the nails do a lot of facial damage. My arms and legs are just bags of loose muscles now, totally useless. He keeps on hitting me and even though I fight back, I see the stars and the sun above me. Just before the blackness surrounds me I hear "Enough" and the slamming of a door but the sound sends my head screaming into the void and pain continues to shower on my body, until I am detached from it.

My open and I make out a tall figure hunched over in the chair near my bed in the dark. Judging from the muscles it's a man and next to him is a glass of water. I look around and realize I am in the infirmary, how did I end up here?

Then it all comes rushing back, the fight, Peter and looking at the dark I wonder how long was I out. I turn to unplug the various tubes I am attached to and wince; my bullet wound had started throbbing at the tiny movement.

"How will I explain this?" I think as the boy next to me stirs and with a start I realize it is Tobias. I quickly close my eyes and turned so that I look asleep.

"Tris, I know you are awake, quit it," he says and I groan and wince.

"Tris, what is wrong? Are you in pain?" he asks concerned. I nearly tear up thinking how much he sounds like the Tobias I love, and not like Four.

"No T- Four, I am fine," I reply and try again to get up and promptly throw up chocking on it in my weird position. The substance that comes out is dark red like… like blood. Tobias quickly pulls me up and dabs at my face with a cloth which come out red. I gag at the sight and look at Tobias who looks beyond alarmed and is about to press the call button.

"No stop, please," I cry out and he stops, his hand hovering over the button as I stare into his midnight blue eyes.

"Tris, you just threw up… blood, you certainly are not fine," he argues but I answer promptly

"It is something that I do on a daily basis."

He looks beyond shock and is that a lingering hint of sadness in his eyes?

"Daily... daily basis?" he corks clearly surprised and I nod, painfully. A few days ago, I had found that if I do something that might strain my bullet wound like push something on it or pull too tight, blood would come up my mouth. At first I nearly got a panic attack and rushed to the infirmary. Nearly. I stopped because I realized that I had no explanation. What was I going to say- "Hey, I just throw up blood when I strain this place where a bullet that once ended my life entered." Fat chance.

I had gone back to the dorms and then checked the wound. The skin looked normal, even strong, poking at it I only felt a stab of pain but I realized that the damage was internal. Looking at me people would not be able to see the wound but I can feel it, now that I know it exists.

I had then gone to the infirmary and made up some story about how there is this one place where staring hurts and this had started quite some time back but in Abnegation I was not allowed to talk about it and now I have started throwing up blood. The nurse was real friendly and did a checkup called master check up of my whole body and discovered that there was a hole near my stomach where David had shot me but of course they did not know that and there was something in my lung and liver most probably due to the death serum, it did not affect me because of my strong divergence but nor did it leave me untouched. The nurses are still puzzled how I have these things and several other diseases. I tell all of this to Four excluding parts which have not taken place yet and then yank the IVs out of me and getting up only to fall at his feet.

"The irony," I thought before he helped me up. Desperate for a topic change I asked "Why are you here?"

"Tris, the day you jumped first you called me Tobias but I shrugged it off but when you were sedated you were yelling my name out again and again and I just wanted to know how you know me," his words were rushed but I got them any way. I was about to answer when he got up and told that we would talk about this later and that I am not supposed to tell anyone that I saw him or anything before going back. I tried to follow him to the dorms but he by _mistake _called the nurse, right before he stepped out. I am never going to hear the end of this from Peter is all I think before the darkness pulls me under after the medicine enters my blood stream. Just before I go out I wonder who did I see know- Tobias or Four and only one answered lingered -Tobias.

I dream about how Peter taunted me that morning with Stiff written all over my bed clothes and how Al helped me but suddenly the dream changes and they are holding me over the chasm, groping and laughing and then David is there with a gun aimed at me and the walls fall on Uriah again. I wake up tears running down my face. The thing that had pulled me out was that I had seen Uriah some days back and that I had already forgiven Tobias. I pulled the tubes out again and finally reached the dorms before collapsing on my bed.

TOBIASEATONROCKS_ PAGE BREAK

I wake up to Christiana pulling my shirt over my head and scream.

" Shh.. Tris, we have to leave in five minutes and since you were out and not waking up I changed your upper clothes." I am about to ready to die of embarrassment when she helps me up and we both make our way to the tracks munching muffins. We got just in time for us to jump. Thank God for Candor best friends who do anything to make sure you do not get kicked out of initiation.

"Thanks God," Will said as he jumped and Chris followed him. I ran wincing and was about to life myself up when Al did it and I stiffened. The nightmares came back and I fought the urge to scream but the pain was too much and Al had accidently put pressure on my wound. Black tinted the edge of my vision as I start to lose the battle to unconscious just as I hear Peter finish his remark of me being a little Stiff and Will and Chris defending me. The last think my ears make out is Tobias's voice and after that all is a mix of black and red.

I hear someone cry Tris before my head hits the floor of the train but the red and black is too consuming and I feel bile come up but it is red in colour and white too. All I can register is the numbness in my eyes as they close and then nothing.

The first concurrent thought I am being able to form is the fact that one should never black out, ever. But if you wake up to see two extremely beautiful ocean blue eyes than maybe it is worth it. However, sadly when I wake up it's not Tobias's but Christiana, Al and Will's faces hovering over while Tobias is sitting down nearby, staring and barking orders.

"Al," I crock out because I am furious. He says he loves me but look at him now; he is just sitting there looking at me, not even running his hand through my hair. Tobias Eaton at times really infuriates me but then I remember that we are in the past. I hate it sometimes.

"Am I factionless?" I ask no one in particular but my eyes linger on Tobias and I know that he knows I am staring at him. I can almost see jealousy flare in him when he sees how close to Al and Will I am.

"No you are not but if Eric knows you may be," they say before the train jerks and everything goes black again nearly but this time I manage to get a grip.

We jump down and even though I fall I remain on my feet and the trip goes as usual and I even hug Robert a little too hard just to show Four that he has competition when in reality he has none. I had actually forgotten that in this field trip we meet him, so it was a pleasant surprise.

Four and I argue about how a two minute conversation can lead to my demise and I have to hold back from telling that something much worse would do the task. It is only when he gives a different advice than last time that I actually think. I do not actually remember what advice he gave me last time but I remember that whenever he found a chance he advised me to use my knees and elbows and attack first. I do not remember whether or not he advised me in this trip but I have a vague memory of me accusing him of leaving during my only fight or something.

"You know, you could win only if you attacked first," he said

"And how will that help?"

"You are fast, and use your opponent's weakness and put more force behind your knees and elbows and keep your guard up," he says and I get a glimpse of Tobias.

"Come on Tris time to go," he says after a short silence.

As I get up back on the train I see Peter clearly for the first time and see that I actually have hurt him bad. I do not know what that means for me but whatever it is, it cannot be good.

I just thought of something, practice makes perfect right? So in that case I have had more practice than Peter and I had also managed to hold out against Tobias when he was in the stimulation, so why did I lose now. I mean maybe I cannot beat Peter to a pulp but I can hold up against him for sure. This is making me irritated and cranky which let me let you, is not a good combination. The field trip was like last time and we had a tiny word to word about factionless and police. Now that I know two things that I did know before, the fence keeps _us in _and that the factionless do need police or Abnegation help for the matter. However there is not much I can do now, though I sure am going to try and this brings me to another problem- what are my stimulations going to be. I mean I did get over my fear of um... intimacy... so I may be six in reality now but then so much as changed, will my fears too change?  
>I crawl across, my mattress and heave a sigh. It has been two days since my fight with Peter, and my bruises are turning purple-blue. I have gotten used to aching every time I move, so now I move better, but I am still far from healed. Even though I am still injured, I had to fight again today. Luckily this time, I was paired against Myra, who couldn't throw a good punch if someone was controlling her arm for her.<p>

I got a good hit in during the first two minutes. She fell down and was too dizzy to get back up. I should feel triumphant, but there is no triumph in punching a girl like Myra. The second I touch my head to the pillow, the door to the dormitory opens, and people stream into the room with flashlights. I sit up, almost hitting my head on the bed frame above me, and squint through the dark to see what's going on. Capture the Flag of course, perfect! "Everybody up!" someone roars and I cover my ears to block Eric's voice. A flashlight shines behind his head, making the rings in his ears glint. Surrounding him are other Dauntless, some of whom I have seen in the Pit and the past, some of whom I have never seen before, I mean of course I have seen them in the last capture the flag but I do not _know _them. Uriah and Marlene are there somewhere, seeing her I have no doubt will make me guilty and look up for some silly excuse to apologize. Tobias stands among them. His eyes shift to mine and stay there. I stare back and forget t hat all around me the transfers are getting out of bed and that this is the past. For one second we are back in that hotel room. "Did you go deaf, Stiff?" demands Eric. I snap out of my daze and slide out from beneath the blankets. I am glad I sleep fully clothed, because Christina stands next to our bunk wearing only a T-shirt, her long legs bare. I had tried knocking sense into her and turned out to be a better debater but she still could not tolerate the heat and threw the shorts which she had worn on my head in the middle of the night. She folds her arms and stares at Eric. I wish, suddenly, that I could stare so boldly at someone with hardly any clothes on, but I would never be able to do that, not that I could before unless of course I am real angry and an enjoyable game is no reason to be angry right? "You have five minutes to get dressed and meet us by the tracks," says Eric. "We're going on another field trip." I shove my feet into shoes and sprint, wincing, behind Christina on the way to the train. A drop of sweat rolls down the back of my neck as we run up the paths along the walls of the Pit, pushing past members on our way up. They don't seem surprised to see us. I mean this _is_ the norm here but still I wonder how many frantic, running people they see on a weekly basis. I mean I never got a true Dauntless life and this makes me wince along with the thought of what is about to happen in a short time.

How much is going to change and what is going to remain? We make it to the tracks just behind the Dauntless-born initiates or rather I should say Chris, Will and Al behind them, me with them. Next to the tracks is a black pile. I make out a cluster of long gun barrels and trigger guards- paintball guns. "Are we going to shoot something?" Christina hisses in my ear. I laugh. "Everyone grab a gun!" shouts Eric. We rush toward the pile. I am the closest to it, so I snatch the first gun I can find, which is heavy, but not too heavy for me to lift, and grab a box of paintballs. I shove the box in my pocket and sling the gun across my back so the strap crosses my chest.

"Time estimate?" Eric asks Tobias. I really should start calling him Four, even though my secret is out but not everyone knows who Tobias is. Four checks his watch. "Any minute now. How long is it going to take you to memorize the train schedule?" "Why should I, when I have you to remind me of it?" says Eric, shoving Tobias's shoulder. Seeing this I feel disgusted, Eric is sadistic yet his death still sends shivers down my spine. A circle of light appears on my left, far away. It grows larger as it comes closer, shining against the side of To-Four's face, creating a shadow in the faint hollow beneath his cheekbone. He is the first to get on the train, and I run after him, not waiting for Christina or Will or All to follow me. Four turns around as I fall into stride next to the car and holds out a hand.

I grab his arm, and he pulls me in. Even the muscles in his forearm are taut, defined. I let go quickly, without looking at him, and sit down on the other side of the car. It just reminds me of the last time we did it and the times before that, making me blush. Thank heavens it is too dark for anyone to notice. Once everyone is in, Four speaks up. "We'll be dividing into two teams to play capture the flag. Each team will have an even mix of members, Dauntless-born initiates, and transfers. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Then the second team will get off and do the same." The car sways, and Four grabs the side of the doorway for balance. "This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously." "What do we get if we win?" someone shouts. "Sounds like the kind of question someone not from Dauntless would ask," says Four, raising an eyebrow. "You get to win, of course." "Four and I will be your team captains," says Eric. He looks at Four. "Let's divide up transfers first, shall we?"

"You go first," Four says. Eric shrugs. "Edward." Four leans against the door frame and nods. The moonlight makes his eyes bright. He scans the group of transfer initiates briefly, without calculation, and says, "I want the Stiff." A faint undercurrent of laughter fills the car. Heat rushes into my cheeks but now I know what his plan is and that I am going to show Eric where he belongs, I do not mind much. I don't know whether to be angry at the people laughing at me or flattered by the fact that he chose me first and at the thought that I will be the hero of the day. "Got something to prove?" asks Eric, with his trademark smirk. "Or are you just picking the weak ones so that if you lose, you'll have someone to blame it on?" Four shrugs. "Something like that." Flattered, I thnk, even though no one knows it.

I struggle to control a smirk as I think of this and the game that is coming. "Your turn," says Four. "Peter." "Christina." "Molly." "Will," says Four, biting his thumbnail.

"Al." "Drew." "Last one left is Myra. So she's with me," says Eric. "Dauntless-born initiate next." I stop listening once they're finished with us. Just yesterday, Four told me I was fast and I know we will all be faster than Eric's team, which will be good for capture the flag I know it's a game of speed rather than brute force. I cover a smile with my hand, I know we have won and how. Eric is more ruthless than Four, but Four is smarter. They finish choosing teams, and Eric smirks at Four. "Your team can get off second," says Eric. "Don't do me any favors," Four replies. He smiles a little.

"You know I don't need them to win." "No, I know that you'll lose no matter when you get off," says Eric, biting down briefly on one of the rings in his lip. The fool. "Take your scrawny team and get off first, then." We all stand up. Al gives me a forlorn look, and I smile back in what I hope is a reassuring way, I have sorted out my differences with him and I think I have also drilled the idea that is a brother to me. If any of the four of us had to end up on the same team as Eric, Peter, and Molly, at least it was him. They usually leave him alone and this puts a bitter taste in my mouth but I ignore it. The train is about to dip to the ground. I am determined to land on my feet. Just before I jump, someone shoves my shoulder, and I almost topple out of the train car. I don't look back to see who it is—Molly, Drew, or Peter, it doesn't matter which one. Before they can try it again, I jump. This time I am ready for the momentum the train gives me, and I run a few steps to diffuse it but keep my balance. Fierce pleasure courses through me and I smile. It's a s mall accomplishment, but it makes me feel Dauntless again, until the second my side throbs in pain. I clench my teeth and continue to walk casually punching my side in anger. Marlene touches Four's shoulder and asks, "When your team won, where did you put the flag?" "Telling you wouldn't really be in the spirit of the exercise, Marlene," he says coolly. "Come on, Four," she whines. She gives him a flirtatious smile. He brushes her hand off his arm and I find myself grinning, though I know Marlene has it bad for Uriah but you really cannot help being jealous can you? This also confirms that maybe Four's feelings for me have not changed. Maybe. . "Navy Pier," Uriah calls out. "My brother was on the winning team. They kept the flag at the carousel." "Let's go there, then," suggests Will. I already knew it and was near the front of the line but still in the shadows.

No one objects, so we walk east, toward the marsh that was once a lake. When I was young, I tried to imagine what it would look like as a lake, with no fence built in to the mud to keep the city safe. It used to be difficult to imagine that much water in one place, before I went to the Burro. "We're close to Erudite headquarters, right?" asks Christina, bumping Will's shoulder with her own. "Yeah. It's south of here," he says. He looks over his shoulder, and for a second his expression is full of longing. Then it's gone. I am less than a mile away from my brother. It has been a week since we were that close together but in reality it has been forever.

I shake my head a little to get the thought out of my mind. I can't thin k about him today, when I have to focus on making it through stage one. I can't think about him any day but I do, is he turning into Jeanine's little hand man now? We walk across the bridge. We still need the bridges because the mud beneath them is too wet to walk on. I wonder how long it's been since the river dried up. Zoey must have told me something but I was too much into survival to actually remember. Once we cross the bridge, the city changes. Behind us, most of the buildings were in use, and even if they weren't, they looked well-tended. I n front of us is a sea of crumbling concrete and broken glass. The silence of this part of the city is eerie; it feels like a nightmare. It's hard to see where I'm going, because it's after midnight and all the city lights are off. Marlene takes out a flashlight and shines it at the street in front of us. "Scared of the dark, Mar?" Uriah teases. "If you want to step on broken g lass, Uriah, be my guest," she snaps. But she turns it off anyway. I have realized that part of being Dauntless is being willing to make things more difficult for yourself in order to be self-sufficient. There's nothing especially brave about wandering dark streets with no flashlight, but we are not supposed to need help, even from light. We are supposed to be capable of anything. I like that. Because there will come a day when there is no flashlight, there is no gun, there is no guiding hand. And I want to be ready for it, more than I was before. I dread it, yes, but that does not mean I do not have to stop it. I still have a mission to accomplish. I do not what will happen at the end of it, will I stay alive or not and many other things but I know enough, and I know I am going to do my best to stay alive this time.

The buildings end just before the marsh. A strip of land juts out into the marsh, and rising from it is a giant white wheel with dozens of red passenger cars dangling from it at regular intervals. The Ferris wheel. "Think about it. People use d to ride that thing. For fun," says Will, shaking his head. "They must have been Dauntless," I say. "Yeah, but a lame version of Dauntless." Christina laughs. "A Dauntless Ferris wheel wouldn't have cars. You would just hang on tight with your hands, and good luck to you." We walk down the side of the pier. All the buildings on my le ft are empty, their signs torn down and their windows closed, but it is a clean kind of emptiness. Whoever left these places left them by choice and at their leisure. Some places in the city are not like that. "Dare you to jump into the marsh," says Christina to Will. "You first." We reach the carousel. Some of the horses are scratched and weathered, their tails broken off or their saddles chipped. Four takes the flag out of his pocket. "In ten minutes, the other team will pick their location," he says. "I suggest you take this time to formulate a strategy. We may not be Erudite, but mental preparedness is one aspect of your Dauntless training. Arguably, it is the most important aspect." He is right about that. What good is a prepared body if you have a scattered mind? That thought sends a shudder through me; I have after all experienced it. Everyone bursts into the conversation at once, their voices louder with each passing second. Christina defends Will's plan of defense and offense, making me smile; the Dauntless-born initiates vote for offense; everyone argues about who should make the decision. I remember this but I act slowly, do not want to give anything away and I am not too sure about where the other team's flag is, I remember a tree at the other end but better be sure than sorry right? And besides how will I explain my knowledge? Four sits down on the edge of the carousel, leaning against a plastic horse's foot. His eyes lift to the sky, where there are no stars, only a round moon peeking through a thin layer of clouds. The muscles in his arms are relaxed; his hand rests on the back of his neck. He looks almost comfortable, holding that gun to his shoulder. I close my eyes briefly. Why does he distract me so easily? I need to focus but I know why he distracts me and I do like that. Focus Tris, I tell myself sternly.

What would I say if I could shout above the sniping behind me? We can't act until we know where the other team is. _But you know where it is_, a tiny voice tells me but I remind myself I am not supposed to know and who says they have to take the same place? They could be anywhere within a two-mile radius, although I can rule out the empty marsh as an option. The best way to find them is not to argue about how to search for them, or how many to send out in a search party. It's to climb as high as possible. I look over my shoulder to make sure no one is watching, though I know the answer. None of them look at me, so I walk toward the Ferris wheel with light, quiet footsteps, pressing my gun to my back with one hand to keep it from making noise. When I stare up at the Ferris wheel from the ground, my throat feels tighter. It is quite tall, so tall I can barely see the cars swinging at the top and I nearly fell down it last time. The only good thing about its height is that it is built t o support weight. Maybe this time if I climb it more carefully, it won't collapse beneath me. My heart pumps faster. Will I really risk my life for this—to win a game the Dauntless like to play?

It's so dark I can barely see them, but when I stare at the huge, rusted supports holding the wheel in place, I see the rungs of a ladder. Each support is only as wide as my shoulders, and there are no railings to hold me in, but climbing a ladder is better than climbing the spokes of the wheel. I grab a rung. It's rusty and thin and feels like it might crumble in my hands. I put my weight on the lowest rung to test it and jump to make sure it will hold me up. I know it will but still. The movement hurts my ribs, and I wince. "Tris," a low voice says behind me. I know why it doesn't startle me. Not because I am becoming Dauntless, and mental readiness is something I am supposed to develop and not even because his voice is low and smooth and almost soothing but because I expected it. I look over my shoulder. Four stands behind me like before with his gun slung across his back, just like mine. "Yes?" I say. "I came to find out what you think you're doing." "I'm seeking higher ground," I say. "I don't think I'm doing anything." I see his smile in the dark. "All right. I'm coming." I pause a second. He doesn't look at me the way Will, Christina, and All sometimes do—like I am too small and too weak to be of any use, and they pity me for it. HE makes me feel brave, Dauntless. I now know that our choices, company and life make us what we are and not these tags but it still hard to let go. Hs eyes are filled with concern and pride. This makes my heart soar, maybe our relationship won't change. And if he insists on coming with me, which might probably be because he doubts me but I prefer to think because he cares for me. "I'll be fine," I say. "Undoubtedly," he replies. I climb, and when I'm a few feet off the ground, he comes after me. He moves faster than I do, and soon his hands find the rungs that my feet leave. "So tell me…," he says quietly as we climb. He sounds breathless. "What do you think the purpose of this exercise is? The game, I mean, not the climbing." I stare down at the pavement. My side hurts a little but I have learnt how to ignore it these days. The ground seems far away now, but I'm not even a third of the way up. Above me is a platform, just below the center of the wheel. However that's not my destination. The breeze that brushed my cheeks earlier now presses against my side. The higher we go, the stronger it will get. I need to be ready. "Learning about strategy," I say. "Teamwork, maybe." "Team work," he repeats. A laugh hitches in his throat. It sounds like a panicked breath. I know it is. "Maybe not," I say. "Teamwork doesn't seem to be a Dauntless priority." The wind is stronger now. I press closer to the white support so I don't fall, but that makes it hard to climb. Below me the carousel looks small. I can barely see my team under the awning. Some of them are missing—a search party must have left. Four says, "It's supposed to be a priority. It used to be." But I'm not really listening, because the height is dizzying. My hands ache from holding the rungs, and my legs are shaking, but I'm not sure why. It isn't the height that scares me—the height makes me feel a live with energy, every organ and vessel and muscle in my body singing at the same pitch. It's him like always. Something about him makes me feel like I am about to fall. Or turn to liquid. Or burst into flames. My hand almost misses the next rung. "Now tell me…," he says through a bursting breath, "what do you think learning strategy has to do with…bravery?" The question reminds me that he is my instructor, and I am supposed to learn something from this. A cloud passes over the moon, and the light shifts across my hands. "It…it prepares you to act," I say finally. "You learn strategy so you can use it." I hear him breathing behind me, loud and fast. "Are you all right, Four?" I ask though I know he is not but he is too damn proud to go down. I wish he would but at the same time I wish not, face your fears remember? "Are you human, Tris? Being up this high…" He gulps for air. "It doesn't scare you at all?" I look over my shoulder at the ground. If I fall now, I will die. But I know I will not fall. He will never allow it. A gust of air presses against my left side, throwing my body weight to the right. I gasp and cling to the rungs, my balance shifting. Four's cold hand clamps around one of my hips, one of his fingers finding a strip of bare skin just under the hem of my T-shirt. He squeezes, steadying me and pushing me gently to the left, restoring my balance. Now I can't breathe. I pause, staring at my hands, my mouth dry. I feel the ghost of where his hand was, his fingers long and narrow like how I remember them. Then I remember another thing, the wheel works, damn. Too late.

"You okay?" he asks quietly. "Yes," I say, my voice strained. I keep climbing, silently, until I reach the platform. Judging by the blunted ends of metal rods, it used to have railings, but it doesn't anymore. I sit down and scoot to the end of it so Four has somewhere to sit. Without thinking, I put my legs over the side. Four, however, crouches and presses his back to the metal support, breathing heavily. I know it is not high enough but I need rest and alone time with Four and maybe it will work.

"You're afraid of heights," I say. "How do you survive in the Dauntless compound?" "I ignore my fear," he says. "When I make decisions, I pretend it doesn't exist." I stare at him for a second. I can't help it. To me there's a difference between not being afraid and acting in spite of fear, as he does. I knew he would say this, these questions were just small talk and I love the fact that no matter what he will never change. I have been staring at him too long. "What?" he says quietly. "Nothing." I look away from him and toward the city. I have to focus. I climbed up here for a reason but before I can focus he says something. " Tris, how do you know my name is Tobias?" "I uh..." I fumble, even though I have a plan."Yes?" he asks and I just go for it. " Four, Tobias I know your real name because I am from Abnegation and our fathers were co-workers. I always noticed you as Marcus's son, I mean you never came over but he talked about you and I saw you on your Mom's funeral." I have to stop from saying fake and other things which I am sure he does not want to know. "We are here for a reason Four, we can talk later," I say before standing up. "Tris," he calls. Shooting pains go through my bruised sides, my heart beating so hard I can't feel anything else.

Every thought I have condenses into that heartbeat, moving at the same rhythm. "Yes, I do," he says. This is crazy, and I know it. A fraction of an inch of mistake, half a second of hesitation, and my life is over but I am still standing at this platform with barely any space and looking at him. Heat tears through my chest, and I smile. When I feel steady, I look at Four. But instead of seeing him, I see straight to the ground. I can't breathe.

I imagine my body plummeting, smacking into the bars as it falls down, and my limbs at broken angles on the pavement, just like Rita's sister when she didn't make it onto the roof. It is a stupid thing for me to think when I am one hundred feet off the ground. For a few seconds I see only a dark blanket over the land in front of me, just faint differences between building and sky and street and ground, a building in my way but now I am sure the flag is in the same place. Instinct I guess. Four walks till he's right behind me and looks over my shoulder, his chin next to my head. His breaths flutter against my ear, and I feel shaky again, like I did when I was climbing the ladder. "Yeah?" I ask

A smile spreads over his face. I look over my shoulder at him. We are so close I forget where I am; instead I notice that the corners of his mouth turn down naturally, just like mine, and that he has a scar on his chin. I remember the last time I kissed it and find my leaning before I start blushing; realizing I never went through with my plan. I was going to tell him I knew him because I like him but the Erudite in me disagreed. "Um," I say. I clear my throat. "Start climbing down. I'll follow you." Four nods and steps down. His leg is so long that he finds a place for his foot easily and guides his body between the bars. Even in darkness, I see that his hands are bright red and shaking. I step down with one foot, pressing my weight into one of the crossbars. The bar creaks beneath me and comes loose, clattering against half a dozen bars on the way down and bouncing on the pavement. I knew it. I'm dangling from the scaffolding with my toes swinging in midair, my side killing me or at least trying to.

A strangled gasp escapes me. "To- Four!" I try to find another place to put my foot, but the nearest foothold is a few feet away, farther than I can stretch. My hands are sweaty. I remember wiping them on my slacks before the Choosing Ceremony, before the aptitude test, before going out of the city, before every important moment, and suppress a scream. I will slip. I will slip. I will slip but he will protect me. This fleeting thought actually provides me relief."Hold on!" he shouts. "Just hold on, I have an idea." He keeps climbing down. I stare at my hands, which are wrapped around the narrow bar so tightly my knuckles are white. My fingers are dark red, almost purple. They won't last long. I won't last long. I just hope he starts the wheel in time.

"Start the wheel, it works," I yell cursing myself. Thank God I had not gone as high as the last time.

I squeeze my eyes shut. Better not to look. Better to pretend that none of this exists. I hear Four's sneakers squeak against metal and rapid footsteps on ladder rungs. "Four!" I yell. Maybe he does not love me and is not going to switch on the wheel. This thought makes me feel like crying and one hand of mine slips off the bar. Now I am hanging on the wheel with one hand, I wonder if the scientists will are enjoying seeing another divergent die. I slowly put my hand up and form a better grip on the bar. I will not die while they watch. I breathe in my nose and out my mouth. I count my breaths to calm down. One, two. In, out. Come on, Four, do not let them win is all I can think. Come on, do something.

Then I hear something wheeze and creak. The bar I'm holding shudders, and I scream through my clenched teeth as I fight to keep my grip. The scream however is of relief. The wheel is moving. Air wraps around my ankles and wrists as the wind gushes up, like a geyser. I open my eyes. I'm moving—toward the ground. I laugh, giddy with hysteria as the ground comes closer and closer. But I'm picking up speed. If I don't drop at the right time, the moving cars and metal scaffolding will drag at my body and carry me with them, and then I will really die. Every muscle in my body tenses as I hurtle toward the ground. When I can see the cracks in the sidewalk, I drop, and my body slams into the ground, feet first. My legs collapse beneath me and I pull my arms in, rolling as fast as I can to the side. The cement scrapes my face, and I turn just in time to see a car bearing down on me, like a giant shoe about to crush me.

I roll again, and the bottom of the car skims my shoulder. I'm safe. I press my palms to my face. I don't try to get up. If I did, I'm sure I would just fall back down. I hear footsteps, and Tobias's hands wrap around my wrists. I let him pry my hands from my eyes. He encloses one of my hands perfectly between two of his. The warmth of his skin overwhelms the ache in my fingers from holding the bars. "You all right?" he asks, pressing our hands together. "Yeah." He starts to laugh. After a second, I laugh too. With my free hand, I push myself to a sitting position. I am aware of how little space there is between us—six inches at most. That space feels charged with electricity. I feel like it should be smaller and am about to lean forward. He stands, pulling me up with him. The wheel is still moving, creating a wind that tosses my hair back. "You could have told me that the Ferris wheel still worked," I say. I try to so und casual, not like I knew what would happen. "We wouldn't have had to climb in the first place." "I would have, if I had known," he says. "Couldn't just let you hang there, so I took a risk and then heard you too, why did you not say anything before? Let it be. Come on, time to get their flag." Four hesitates for a moment and then takes my arm, his fingertip s pressing to the inside of my elbow. I try to stop my heart from flaring. In other factions, he would give me time to recover, but he is Dauntless, so he smiles at me and starts toward the carousel, where our team members guard our flag. And I half run, half limp beside him. I still feel weak, but my mind is awake, especially with his hand on me. Christina is perched on one of the horses, her long legs crossed and her hand around the pole holding the plastic animal upright. Our flag is behind her, a glowing triangle in the dark.

Three Dauntless-born initiates stand among the other worn and dirty animals. On e of them has his hand on a horse's head, and a scratched horse eye stares at me between his fingers. Sitting on the edge of the carousel is an older Dauntless, scratching her quadruple-pierced eyebrow with her thumb. "Where'd the others go?" asks Four. He looks as excited as I feel, his eyes wide with energy. "Did you guys turn on the wheel?" the older girl says. "What the hell are you thinking? You might as well has just shouted 'Here we are! Come and get us!'" She shakes her head. "If I lose again this year, the shame will be unbearable. Three years in a row?" "The wheel doesn't matter," says Four. "We know where they are." "We?" says Christina, looking from Four to me. "Yes, while the rest of you were twiddling your thumbs, Tris climbed the Ferris wheel to look for the other team," he says. "What do we do now, then?" asks one of the Dauntless-born initiates through a yawn. Four looks at me. Slowly the eyes o f the other initiates, including Christina, migrate from him to me.

"Split in half," I say like the last time. "Four of us go to the right side of the pier, three to the left. The other team is in the park at the end of the pier, so the group of four will charge as the group of three sneaks behind the other team to get the flag." Christina looks at me like she no longer recognizes me. I don't blame her. "Sounds good," says the older girl, c lapping her hands together. "Let's get this night over with, shall we?" Christina join s me in the group going to the right, along with Uriah, whose smile looks white against his skin's bronze. Christina starts running and I have to follow her. I have to run twice as fast to match my short strides to her long ones. As I run, I realize that only one of us will get to touch the flag, and it won't matter that it was my plan and my information that got us to it if I'm not the one who grabs it. I know Chris will get it but still I will try and this time I will make sure it does not affect our friendship. Though I can hardly breathe as it is, I run faster, and I'm on Christina's heels. I pull my gun around my body, holding my finger over the trigger.

We reach the end of the pier, and I clamp my mouth shut to keep my loud breaths in. We slow down so our footsteps aren't as loud, and I look for the blinking light again. Now that I'm on the ground, it's bigger and easier to see. I point, and Christina nods, leading the way toward it. Then I hear a chorus of yells, so loud they make me jump. I hear puffs of air as paintballs go flying and splats as they find their targets. Our team has charged, the other team runs to meet us, and the flag is almost unguarded. Uriah takes aim and shoots the last guard in the thigh. The guard, a short girl with purple hair, throws her gun to the ground in a tantrum. I sprint to catch up to Christina. The flag hangs from a tree branch, high above my head. I reach for it, and so does Christina. "Come on, Tris," she says. "You're already the hero of the day. And you know you can't reach it anyway." She give s me a patronizing look, the way people sometimes look at children when they act too adult, and snatches the flag from the branch. Without looking at me, she turns and gives a whoop of victory. Uriah's voice joins hers and then I hear a chorus of yells in the distance.

Uriah claps my shoulder and I try to forget about the look Christina gave me. Maybe she's right; I've already proved myself today. I do not want to be greedy; I do not want to be like Eric, terrified of other people's strength and I do not want this to affect our friendship again. I am not going to make the same mistakes. She has been a good friend in the past and has forgiven a lot, this maybe is too small but in my mind it is a way of saying thanks. The shouts of triumph become infectious, and I lift my voice to join in, running toward my teammates. Christina holds the flag up high, and everyone clusters around her, grabbing her arm to lift the flag even higher. I can't reach her, so I stand off to the side, grinning. A hand touches my shoulder. "Well done," Four says quietly.

"I can't believe I missed it!" Will says again, shaking his head. Wind coming through the doorway of the train car blows his hair in every direction. "You were performing the very important job of staying out of our way," says Christina, beaming. Al groans. "Why did I have to be on the other team?" "Because life's not fair, Albert. And the world is conspiring against you," says Will. "Hey, can I see the flag again?" Peter, Molly, and Drew sit across from the members in the corner. Their chests and backs are splattered with blue and pink paint, and they look dejected. They speak quietly, sneaking looks at the rest of us, especially Christina. That is the benefit of not holding the flag right now—I am no one's target. Or at least, no more than usual but I know Peter will come back at me for ruining his handsome face and breaking his nose. This once again brings me to the questions of yesterday night but this time I chose to ignore them. My life has so little peaceful time left, I might enjoy it while I can.

"So you climbed the Ferris wheel, huh," says Uriah. He stumbles across the car and sits next to me. Marlene follows him. "Yes," I say. "Pretty smart of you. Like…Erudite smart," Marlene says. "I'm Marlene." "Tris," I say. At home being compared to an Erudite would be an insult, but she says it like a compliment but I hope this shows my divergence. Not. "Yeah, I know who you are," Marlene says. "The first jumper tends to stick in your head." It has been years since I jumped off a building in my Abnegation uniform; it has been decades. Uriah takes one of the paintballs from his gun and squeezes it between his thumb and index finger. The train lurches to the left, and Uriah falls against me, his fingers pinching the paintball until a stream of pink, foul-smelling paint sprays on my face. Marlene collapses in giggles. I wipe some of the paint from my face, slowly, and then smear it on his cheek. The scent of fish oil wafts through the train car. "Ew!" He squeezes the ball at me again, but the opening is at the wrong angle, and the paint sprays into his mouth instead. He coughs and makes exaggerated gagging sounds. I wipe my face with my sleeve, laughing so hard my stomach hurts. If my entire life is like this, loud laughter and boll d action and the kind of exhaustion you feel after a hard but satisfying day, I will be content. As Uriah scrapes his tongue with his fingertips, I realize that all I have to do is get through initiation and the war and that life will be mine.

The next morning, when I trudge into the training room, yawning, a large target stands at one end of the room, and next to the door is a table with knives strewn across it. I immediately perk up, partly because I enjoy knife throwing and secondly because I am nervous for Al's sake. Knowing this is what is going to happen, yesterday after capture the flag I had given him aim lessons and he turned out to be good, I think he is scared of messing up in front of people or something like that. He was super nervous at first but then slowly began to become better. I guess we might be able to avoid the knife throwing but a tiny part of me is disappointed. My selfish side thinks that it shows my bravery to Tobias and excluding this incident from our lives might put a hitch in our relationship. I try to reason with it, because no matter what that incident made my divergence glaringly evident and as much as I am proud of being divergent, I think that if I want to avoid the pain the war brings I have to hide it. If it comes out it can bring anything from an early death to being Jeanine's lab rat again and there is no way in hell I am going through _that_ again or subjecting Tobias to the emotional pain he would go through. I wish there was a way I could eliminate the factions and erase the memories of the Beauro members. I wish I could tell Tobias that Amar is alive; I mean he must think of Amar every time he does something in the training room. Looking at Tori, I fell guilt rush through me, her brother is just a fence away from her and I cannot tell her. I remember the look on her face as she killed Jeanine; she looked so different from the lady who gave me my aptitude test. I really do not want her to become that but I guess that is a part of her too, just like cruelty is a part of mine, but I will not let it defeat me this time. I think of all this while I change, always keeping an extra dress with me for old times' sake. I wolf down my bacon and try my best to slow down on my way to the training room. Eric stands in the middle of the room, his posture so rigid it looks like someone replaced his spine with a metal rod. Perhaps he thinks that it makes him handsome or even respectable but if that is the case then he is badly mistaken.

The sight of him makes me feel like all the air in the room is heavier, bearing down on me. At least when he was slouched against a wall, I could pretend he wasn't here. Today I can't pretend. Seeing him never fails to remind of the time when Tobias shot him. His words, his fear, posture everything makes me feel like throwing up. Nor can I stop the images of pain associated with him from clouding my brain. I remember how he tried to shoot Tobias and kill me and shivers run down my spine. I have to stop myself from throwing a knife at him this instant, I mean he is the reason I nearly died or even better he is the reason I became a cold blooded murderer. I settle with throwing a glare his way. "Tomorrow will be the last day of stage one," Eric says but I tune him out, I have been through this once, not need to hear his speeches again. I only move when I see others scramble for daggers. "He's in a bad mood today," mumbles Christina. "Is he ever in a good mood?" I murmur back. But I know what she means and things she does not. Eric enjoys pain especially Tobias's and if anything Eric is a sore loser, much like Peter but at least the latter has got a hear, Eric I am not so sure. Judging by the poisonous look Eric gives Tobias when he isn't paying attention I am sure that even if Al does not do anything, Eric _will_ find someone to torture and I cannot allow that. I have seen enough violence to last me two life times, Edward being stabbed with a butter knife, Will dying, Marlene and so much more. Edward, oh no! He cannot quit, Evelyn cannot get a fighter like that on her side, it will never be good. I have to somehow, stop him from being first in initiation but how I have no idea, unless I defeat him in a fight but that too is impossible, unless I can somehow connivance Eric or Tobias to put me there but if lose then I am out of here and remembering what happened with Peter I am not sure. I did get past him in Erudite, with help but still. I think I lost to Peter because I thought I would lose. This time I will think that I can win and I will. How I will connivance Four is another story. Seeing me stare into space must have caught Eric's attention because he yelled at me.

"Hey Stiff, I guess I asked you to look at Four, not at the floor. But I guess seeing a guy is too much for your eye now, is it not?" I am so angry that I just want to grab Tobias and kiss him to prove my point but I will never use my relationship like that and Eric is doing this just to get under my skin, which I will never let him. Winning capture the flag is a matter of pride, and pride is important to the Dauntless especially ones like Eric. More important than reason or sense. Quietly I turn back and throw a dagger straight at the centre of the target, successfully making Eric pissed and giving him no reason to pick on me. However I have now caught the attention of everyone in the room including Tobias. Stares ranging from confusion in the initiates to pride and shock with a tiny hint of fear in Tobias and downright anger in Eric's face.

"What is there something on my face? I guess we were watching Four and not me as Eric just said," I declare feeling as if I just displayed my divergence. Anger me equals irrational me at times. When Four is done instruction which I watched carefully just for the sake of it, Eric sends everyone scrambling for daggers. Just to annoy him more, I walk slowly to the knives and take my sweet time choosing knives. Only when I feel Tobias's stare, do I move. Eric paces too quickly behind us.

"Hey Stiff, where did you learn to throw like that? Spending some extra Dauntless time are we?" Peter remarks, a few people down. Ignoring him I just throw another blade, this time, aimed at the wall behind his shoulder, pinning his shirt to the wall.

"Hey Peter, spending too much time irritating people aren't we?" I remark as he frees himself and shoots me a glare. I can't help it; I know this just makes the accusation seem true and I should not have done it but still. Peter tried to aim his knife at me but I sent another pinning his foot to the wall now and making him yelp.

Next to me, Christina snorts, and her next knife hits the target. A half hour later, all the initiates including Al have hit the target. I smirk proud that Eric has lost his chance to hurt us but I guess I think too quickly because he picks me this time.

"Hey Stiff, I wonder what you really are, I mean you were the first to hit the target with the bullet in your second chance and same for the knife, so tell me what exactly is your secret?" he asks and I pale, thinking somehow he has found out that I am from the future. Out of the corner of my eye I see Tobias pale as well. Then it hits me, that maybe he _and _Eric have caught on the fact that I am divergent. I have not really hiding my talents as I should. Oh God, what have I gotten myself into now?

"I have no secret Eric," I say trying to be strong and intimating.

"Are you sure Stiff? I mean Four here could be giving you extra classes for all I know," I notice Tobias regains his composure at that and acts as if he does not care what Eric does to me. On the inside, however, I know he is thinking of every foul word he knows.

"No Eric, I am just naturally talented, does that create a problem for you?" I say, the gears in my brain running at an extremely fast speed, "and besides I used to practice aim in Abnegation, in secret but still." I hope that this will benefit me in two ways, it will get me off the hook with Eric and I will also succeed in pissing him enough that he will set me up against Edward in the fights tomorrow. Christina's eyes widen and I know why. I am telling a half truth which has more truth than lies. She is being unable to figure out whether I am lying or not.

"Really Stiff," Peter sneers and I wonder why. However before I can get it Eric yells at us to start throwing knives again but stares at me hard and if looks could kill they would be holding my funeral now. I guess Al also feels uncomfortable because all on a sudden all his knives start landing on the floor. Poor guy, he is going to get in trouble again. Due to me. I try to help him but Eric catches us and stands there looking at us and taunting us, and I quote "so is the little Stiff, trying to help her useless boy friend." I can see Tobias clench his fists in anger and I know he is hurt, he has no right but he still is. Eric watches us like a hawk now, threatening that if either of us mess up or help each other then he will throw us out of Dauntless. I am sure he can do that. Everything is going fine Al would have messed up but I mouth encouragement to him which Eric cannot pick and he does fine, knives hitting the edge of the target clumsily but still they at least hit the target, until Peter intervenes. He goes and speaks to Eric for a second and then suddenly his board is next to Al's. This is not right but I have a feeling that worse is going to come. And I am proved right when Peter pushed Al's shoulder every time he tries to throw a knife, making the knife land anywhere other than the target. Al tries to protest but Eric turns a deaf ear to him. Tobias wants to intervene but Eric stops him by saying that "the initiates have to learn how to solve their own differences." Tobias watches helpless as Eric looms over Al.

"How slow are you, Candor? Do you need glasses? Should I move the target closer t o you?" Al's face turns red. He throws another knife, but Peter pushes him harder and Al ends up kissing the floor, the knife sailing a few feet to the right of the target. It spins and hits the wall. "What was that, initiate?" says Eric quietly, leaning closer to Al. I bite my lip. This isn't good. It has happened before and I know what is next. I rack my brains to do anything but come up blank.

"He—He pushed me," says Al. "Well, I think you should go get it," Eric says. He scans the other initiates' faces —everyone has stopped throwing again—and says, "Did I tell you to stop?" Knives start to hit the board. We have all seen Eric angry before, but this is different. The look in his eyes is almost rabid. Only Tobias and I have seen that look, too many times for my liking. I hate where this is going. "Go get it?" Al's eyes are wide. "But everyone's still throwing." "And?" "And I don't want to get hit."" I will go get it for you Al," I say but Eric stops me "Stiff, remember what I told you, I will make you factionless but I have a better punishment, you Stiff will throw knives at your boy friend until he learns not to flinch. He will walk the whole way to where his knife is and you will throw knives at him." "But I do not want to and he is not my boy friend," I say and Al says at the same time "I am not going to get knives while any one including Tris is throwing, I trust her and her aim but not you," Al says. "I order you," Eric says. I wish just this time he would not, even I am ready to do it but not Al. I voice my opinion that we can do this but Al does not agree. "No," he says. "Why not?" Eric's beady eyes fix on Al's face. "Are you afraid?" "Of getting stabbed by an airborne knife?" says Al. "Yes, I am!" Honesty is his mistake. Not his refusal, which also Eric would not have accepted but honesty also goes to show that he is still Candor at heart. "Everyone stop!" Eric shouts. The knives stop, and so does all conversation. I hold my small dagger tightly. . I cannot even believe that while I, Al and Eric were having this conversation, they were practicing. I know that Tobias wants to intervene but how can he? I just wish that he is not pained to see me like this; I guess Eric must also notice or he is just pure sadistic like he was in my first life because he does exactly what he did in my last life.

"Clear out of the ring." Eric looks at Al. "All except you and the Stiff." I drop the dagger and it hits the dusty floor with a thud. "Stand in front of the target," says Eric. I knew it, but I am waiting for the verdict he has for me. "And you Stiff, will throw knives at him, until he learns not to flinch," Eric repeats. Al's big hands shake. He walks back to the target. " "Is this really necessary?" says Tobias. He sounds bored, but he doesn't look bored. His face and body are tense, alert and I know that he hates this.

I squeeze my hands into fists. No matter how casual Tobias sounds, the question is a challenge. And Tobias doesn't often challenge Eric directly. At first Eric stares at Four in silence. Four stares back. Seconds pass and my fingernails bite my palms. "I have the authority here, remember?" Eric says, so quietly I can barely hear him. "Here, and everywhere else." Color rushes into Four's face, though his express ion does not change. I feel horrible, seeing him go through this, only if he had taken up the leadership job but then he would have to face Marcus every day, and I am not sure which is worse, Eric or Marcus. I look from Al's wide, dark eyes to his shaking hands and hold the knife but I cannot do this. I cannot hurt a friend, this may help him in the long run but right now all it does is remind me of Will again and again. Anger at Eric bubbles in my chest, and bursts from my mouth: "I will not." Tobias turns the and gives me such a hard look that I feel like he's turning me to stone. I know why. I am stupid for speaking up while Eric is here; I am stupid for speaking up at all. This shows my divergence and he s telling me to stop it. I wonder how long he had his suspicions until my stimulations confirmed it. "Any idiot can stand in front of a target," I say. "It doesn't prove anything except that you're bullying us. Which, as I recall, is a sign of cowardice. And I will not throw knives at the boy who has become a brother to me in the past few days, hell if you want I will stand in front of the target while you throw knives at him but let him go." "Well if you say so," Eric says. "If you're willing to take his place." I stand at the target, my chin up and face proud. I have done this before and I will do it again for my friends. I will not give Eric any satisfaction. "There goes your pretty face," yells Peter. "Oh, wait. You don't have one." Al nods at me. I smile encouragingly and stand in front of the board, and my head doesn't even reach the center of the target, but it doesn't matter. I look at Four's knives: one in his right hand, two in his left hand.

I swallow, and then look at Tobias. He is never sloppy and I know he won't hit me. I'll be fine. I tip my chin up further. I will not flinch. If I flinch, I prove to Eric that this is not as easy as I said it was; I prove that I'm a coward. "If you flinch," Tobias says, slowly, carefully, "All takes your place. Understand?" I nod. Tobias's eyes are still on mine when he lifts his hand, pulls his elbow back, and throws the knife. It is just a flash in the air, and then I hear a thud. The knife is buried in the board, half a foot away from my cheek. I close my eyes.

Thank God. Even though I know what will happen relief flood me. "You about done, Stiff?" asks Tobias. I know what he is doing, encouraging my Abnegation and I also remember Al's wide eyes and his quiet sobs at night and shake my head. "No." "Eyes open, then." He taps the spot between his eyebrows. I stare at him as he passes a knife from his left hand to his right hand, and I see nothing but his eyes as the second knife hits the target above my head. This one is closer than the last one—I feel it hovering over my skull. "Come on, Stiff," he says. "Let someone else stand there and take it."

"Shut up, Four!" I say more for the audience but I cannot muster up anger in it. I am grateful that he is trying to help me. I hold my breath as he turns the last knife in his hand. I see a glint in his eyes as he pulls his arm back and lets the knife fly. It comes straight at me, spinning, blade over handle. My body goes rigid. This time, when it hits the board, my ear stings, and blood tickles my skin. I touch my ear. He nicked it. I knew it.

"I would love to stay and see if the rest of you are as daring as she is," says Eric, his voice smooth, "but I think that's enough for today." He squeezes my shoulder. His fingers feel dry and cold, and the look he gives me claims me, like he's taking ownership of what I did. He touch puts my skin on fire but not the fire that Tobias brings, Eric makes me feel dirty and claw at my skin. I don't return Eric's smile. What I did had nothing to do with him. "I should keep my eye on you," he adds. Fear prickles inside me, in my chest and in my head and in my hands but anger burns like wildfire inside me, making the fear seem small. I feel like the word "DIVERGENT FROM FUTURE" is branded on my forehead, and if he looks at me long enough, he'll be able to read it. I do not care, I will take him head on this time but before I can do anything silly Eric walks away, leaving me fuming in the middle of the training room.

. Tobias and I stay behind. I wait until the room is empty and the door is shut before looking at him again. He walks toward me. "Is your—" he begins. "Yes my ear is fine" I say. "Good," he says quietly. "And you try to rein in your Abnegation side." "Thank you but why are you helping me To-Four?" I ask, I desperately want to hear the answer, this just might prove where our relationship is. "Call me Tobias, it feels good to hear my name but only in private and I'm getting a little tired of waiting for you to catch on the fact as to why I am helping you!"

He smiles at me, and even when he smiles sheepishly, his eyes look thoughtful. Their shade of blue is mesmerizing as always, so dark it is almost black, with a small patch of lighter blue on the left iris, right next to the corner of his eye. Every time I look at them I feel myself getting lost but this was not the answer I wanted but it was close enough. I decide to probe for information, I know it is unlike Tobias but he might give in and I do not want to lose a chance."Catch on? Catch on to what? He leans his face close to mine, which reminds me of lying inches away from him in the hotel, and says, "Just think, why I would want to protect you." He crosses the room and slams the point of a knife so hard into the table that it sticks there, handle toward the ceiling. "I—" I start to say, but he's already gone. I sigh, frustrated, and wipe some of the blood from my ear. I am irritated and cranky because he never gave me a clear answer, for all I know he thinks of me as a sister and that would be the end of me. I know a little part of me agrees that he likes me but a larger part of me is confused. I wish things would hurry up eventually. Pissed I walk toward the punching bags, punching till my hands are sore and knees buckle under me. How I make my way to the dorm is a mystery to even myself.

Today is the day before Visiting Day. It is the first thought I have as soon I wake up. I am really excited. I will see my mother again. I try to pull a pant leg over my thigh and it sticks just above my knee. Frowning, I stare at my leg. A bull of muscle is stopping the fabric. I let the pant leg fall and look over my shoulder at the back of my thigh. Another muscle stands out there. I step to the side so I stand in front of the mirror. I see muscles that I couldn't see before in my arms, legs, and stomach. I pinch my side, where a layer of fat used to hint at curves to come. Nothing. Dauntless initiation has stolen whatever softness my body had, just like the last time. However this time I am prepared, I always carry a dress with me in the bathroom, just in case. Good that I have one today as well.

I put on the dress and leave the girls' bathroom. Last few days since the trip to the fence, to be accurate, I have been avoiding Peter and gang. I am always with either of my friends or never alone. I know those cowards do not have the guts to bully me or worse when my friends are around. When I open the dormitory door, a weight drops into my stomach. Peter, Molly, Drew, and some of the other initiates stand in the back corner, laughing but there is no sign of Al or Will. Even Christina whom I told to wait for me is not there. They look up when I walk in and start snickering and saying how a dress does not suit me and I should take it off. Molly's snort-laugh is louder than everyone else's. I walk to my bunk, trying to pretend like they aren't there and start tying my sneakers, trying not to put pressure on my bullet wounds.

Soon I stand up, and right behind me is Peter. I jump back, almost hitting my head on Christina's bunk. I try to slip past him, but he slams his hand against Christina's bed frame, blocking my path. I knew he wouldn't let me get away that easily, I know what happens today or would have had I not taken the dress. I fake a punch to his stomach and kick him where it counts before ducking past him. However Drew and the others block the door and Peter is right behind me, his hand on my dress clasp. I try to wiggle out of his grip but can't because that would tear my dress apart and Drew is holding me as well. "Didn't realize you were so skinny, Stiff." "Get away from me." My voice is somehow steady. "This isn't the Hub, you know. No one has to follow a Stiff's orders here." His eyes travel down my body, not in the greedy way that a man looks at a woman, but cruelly, scrutinizing every flaw. I hear my heart beat in my ears as the others inch closer, forming a pack behind Peter. This will be bad. I have to get out of here. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a clear path to the door. If I can get out of Drew and Peter's arms and sprint toward it, I might be able to make it. "Look at her," says Molly, crossing her arms. She smirks at me. "She's practically a child." "Oh, I don't know," says Drew. "She could be hiding something under that dress. Why don't we look and see? This is the only time she is wearing something showy and any easy to get off. Plus she is one and we are many."

Now. I elbow Peter's stomach and kick Drew's junk and dart toward the door. Something pinches and pulls at my dress as I walk away and then yanks sharply—Peter's hand, gathering the fabric into his fist. The dress tears and the air is cold on my scantily clad body, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. Laughter erupts, and I run as fast as I can toward the door desperately trying to hide my body but Peter kicks me hard in the back and I fall down. I do not know what to do. Get up and attack or stay down so that they cannot see me. I stand up but am knocked down once again. This cannot be happening I think as Peter rips the remaining clothes off and straddles my waist. The gang has formed a circle around me. I try to scream but Peter stuff apart of clothing as a gag in my mouth, filling my mouth with a bitter taste. I know I can defeat them and wriggle and squirm as Peter tried to tie my hands and legs up."This Stiff," he says "is for ruining my handsome face during the fight." As he speaks he flips me hard and puts his hand on my chest groping me. I scream but Molly's foot blocks it. She continues to hit me along with the boys while Peter hands roam everywhere and soon Edward joins in. I try to fight back but it is impossible. I close my eyes and try to pretend this is not happening. Anger bursts through me like a volcano when I feel his hands moving downwards. Suddenly I know what to do, however my body is well on its way to betray me, I cannot allow this, no I cannot. Of course, I always have a game plan right? Molly is holding my arms above my head, so I start with her, twisting slightly to get a better grip on her hands and then twist them, breaking or spraining them. She shouts something but all I see is red. I kick Drew off me somehow. Peter and Edward soon end up being the only ones standing. I go to attack him when the door opens and Tobias bursts in looking anywhere but at me. He tackles Peter while I wrap myself in a towel, just as Christiana comes looking panicked. I wonder how the two of them know. She looks at the scene and me but before anyone can say anything I sprint down the hallway and into the bathroom and lean against the door, breathing hard. I close my eyes. It doesn't matter. I don't care. A sob bursts from my mouth, and I slap my hand over my lips to contain it. It doesn't matter what they did. I shake my head like the motion is supposed to make it true. With shaking hands, I get dressed in a pair of pants and a shirt Chris gave me five seconds after I entered the bathroom, the shirt is actually a crop top with a V-neck that shows t he tattoos on my collarbone, and ends up above my belly button. I feel disgusted and claw at my skin. Now I want nothing more than to give each and every one of them what they deserve. Once I'm dressed and the urge to cry is gone, I feel something hot and violent writhing in my stomach. I want to hurt them. I stare at my eyes in the mirror. I want to, so I will.

I ignore the stares of everyone as I walk to the training room for my last fight. I hope it's with Peter or Edward or Drew, I just want the three of them hurt as badly as they have hurt me. Even if I have left Abnegation some of their teachings remain and I do not think that even the Dauntless would encourage what they were doing. "Hey, where were you this morning? You missed m fight," Will says when I walk in. I squint to see the blackboard across the room. The space next to my name is has Molly written. "I got held up," I say not wanting to talk about that to anyone. Tobias enters after a while and looks like he fought a battle with the wild look in his eyes, a cut next to his eye brow and a split lip. Eric stands in front of the board and writes a name next t o mine. Please let it be Peter or Edward, please, please…. I know it is supposed to be Molly but I just cannot handle it anymore, I will go crazy if I do not get revenge.

"You okay, Tris? You look a little…," says Al. "A little what?" I snap, I don't want anyone near me, not even Tobias I think, right now. Tobias goes and talks to Eric, which makes Eric smile in my direction. I wonder what he told him, white hot anger burns through me as I think of what he might have said. I know Tobias would never do it but then what could have made Eric smile at me? They move away from the board. The name written next to mine is Edward unlike Molly. Last time it was her. "On edge," says Al. I hope he does not try to comfort me or hold me. I do not think I can handle anyone's touch right now. I can still feel his hands on my skin. It makes me disgusted and dirty. Tobias and Eric talk for a bit but it is too tensed and then Tobias walks towards me and unintentionally I half take a step front and half backward. I can see the pain in his eyes but I know he understands.

'Tris, are you alright? Eric thinks it is a good idea for you to fight Edward and for once I agree too but you sure you will do it?" he asks and I nod and he walks away. My fight is last on the list, which means I have to wait through three matches before I face her. Molly, Peter, Drew and their group of initiates is nowhere to be seen. Now that I think they were Peter and gang along with Edward and two Dauntless borns. Good I get to fight Edward. I feel like breaking all his fingers till I see skin. The Abnegation in me is disgusted but I am determined. I will kill him. Christina will fight Al, which means that Al will lose quickly, like he's been doing all week. "Go easy on me, okay?" Al asks Christina. "I make no promises," she replies but looks concerned when her fanatic eyes land on me. I give her what I hope is a smile and not a scowl and a later look. I stare at the board and try to predict the outcome of each match but very soon I go back to my plans of torturing Peter, Drew and Edward. I know it is not a good fantasy for a sixteen year old but still. I can feel Tobias and Christina's stares at my back and it is sneering, almost like they know what I plan to do. Good. I do not care. I wait for the first fight to end. It doesn't take long. Then I bite my fingernails and think about Edward. Will said about him—that he has been studying combat since he was ten. It's obvious. He has a powerful punch and next to no weakness but I know one thing if he can't hit me, he can't hurt me. And I have a feeling that he and the others are in no good shape, as they have not even come yet and Tobias did fight them. As expected, the next fight between Christina and Al is quick and painless. Al falls after a few hard hits t o the face and doesn't get back up, which makes Eric shake his head. By the time the two matches are done, my nails are bitten to the beds and I'm hungry for lunch. I have not seen anyone from the commotion except Edward and he too came in now, looking like he was attacked by a land slide. Now Peter, Molly and Drew enter. Drew's skin is more purple and blue than I ever thought possible and Peter seems to have trouble walking or even standing for the matter. Molly looks like what I had left her like- broken hands and all. I walk to the arena without looking at anyone or anything but the center of the room. Some of my anger has faded, but it isn't hard to call back. All I have to do is think about how cold the air was and how loud the laughter was. Where his hands were. Look at him.

Edward stands across from me. "Was that a birthmark I saw on your left butt cheek? And you felt nice, though as Peter said you looked twelve," he says, smirking even though he has a black eye, and his hands are wrapped in bandages and one of his leg has more bruises than I have ever seen and he après to be slouching. His face is covered in blue and black and a fat lip. He is even having trouble standing up. He looks half dead but is still smirking and saying things-the nerve of him . "God, you're pale, Stiff." Edward and I take longer. The disparity between us is noticeable. Edward's fist slams into my jaw, and I see stars. He is faster and smarter than even Peter, how will I ever win?.He'll win. He always does. Edward starts toward me and throws into a punch. As his body shifts forward, I duck and drive my fist into his stomach, right over his bellybutton but he barely winces. His body is like a rock, however it had not felt good on mine and I am ready to make him feel what he and Peter made me feel. He might have practiced since he was ten but I have been through two wars and I did defeat him once. I can win. I will win. And he is in no shape to fight.

Before he can get his hands on me, I slip past him, my hands up, ready for his next attempt. I remember everything Tobias has ever told me about fighting. Elbows, knees, speed. He's not smirking anymore but looks like he is in deep pain. He runs at me like he's about to tackle me, and I dart out of the way. I hear Tobias's voice in my head, telling me that the most powerful weapon at my disposal is my elbow. I just have to find a way to use it. I block his next punch with my forearm but he slides my legs from under me. I almost fall and would have had his attempt been not so feeble. He is in pain. Whatever they must have given him has faded, I guess. For a second I panic and then I see red again. I get up and throw elbow up into his chin, feeling blood. I don't care whose it is. We both fight each other and he punches me in the chest. The blow stings, but I barely notice it. He grits her teeth and lets out a frustrated groan, more animal-sounding than human. He tries a kick at my side, which I dodge, but his balance remains perfect, even if he does stumble. I rush forward and force my elbow up at his face breaking his nose and letting out a gush of blood, some of which lands on my face. He punches me in the ribs and I stumble to the side, recovering my breath. I want to hit his face, but maybe that's not a smart move. I watch him for a few seconds. His hands not are too high; they guard his nose and cheeks, but not leaving her stomach and ribs exposed. The bandages are covered with blood though.

Our eyes meet for just a second.

I aim an uppercut low, below his bellybutton and just after he blocks I jam my knee in his stomach. My knee sinks into his flesh, forcing a heavy breath from his mouth that I feel against my ear. I then put my thumb against his eye and pull hard. His eye does not pop out but he screams and I see blood. While he is nursing his eye I jam the flat of my hand into his neck. Then I jam my wrist bone in his jaw and force my knee under his making him land on the ground. He however gets up and tries to put up another fierce fight but all I have to do is remember where his hands were and my hands and legs start moving on their own. He grabs my collar and I force him to free me while grabbing the back of his neck hard and digging my nails into his skin before hitting his nose with my elbow. As he gasps, I sweep-kick his legs out from under him, and he falls hard on the ground, sending dust into the air. I pull my foot back and kick as hard as I can at his ribs and sit down on top of him, so that he cannot stand up. My mother and father would not approve of my kicking someone when he's down. I don't care. He tries to curl into a ball to protect his side, and I kick again, this time hitting him in the stomach. Like a child. I kick again, this time hitting her in the face and everywhere I can reach, he dodges and blocks but I am on top of him and there is not much he can do. Plus he is hurt from before the fight. The odds are in my favor. Blood springs from his nose and spreads over his face. Look at him. Another punch hits him in the chest. I pull my hand back again, but Tobias's hands clamp around my arms, and he pulls me away from him with irresistible force. Edward looks almost dead and I feel guilt sweep up .I breathe through gritted teeth, staring at Edward's blood-covered face, the color deep and rich and beautiful, in a way. He groans, and I hear a gurgling in his throat, watch blood trickle from his lips. "You won," Tobias mutters. "Stop." I wipe the sweat from my forehead. Tobias stares at me. His eyes are too wide; they look alarmed. "I think you should leave," he says. "Take a walk." "I'm fine," I say. "I'm fine now," I say again, for myself. Eric smiles at me in approval. I just catch that as I walk out of the room and into the infirmary with Tobias dragging Edward behind me. I must have done something horrible if Eric approves of it, is the last thought I can make out before the darkness settles over me like a blanket.

As I slowly come to terms with reality my mind takes me back to my nightmare, which is what happened a few hours ago. I dream of what Peter, Drew, Edward and Molly did. Some small part of me wonders how all of them fought, especially Edward who fought so well especially after Tobias beat him up. I just cannot understand how did Tobias and Chris know what was going on. Then I think of the cameras, which supply constant news to the control room both here and outside the city. I cringe thinking of what all they have seen. Maybe Tobias did not hurt him but I think that is unlikely. All of this thinking is making my head hurt and I fall back asleep.

In a desperate attempt to feel better, I guess, my mind takes me to what I did to them. I remember that Peter and Edward were on top of me while Drew was holding my feet down, his hands like theirs roaming around, and Molly pinned my hands down. One Dauntless born girls stood smirking behind her while the other covers my mouth. Images flood my mind and I see myself twisting my hands in Molly's so that I am in control and being the idiot she is, she never noticed. With difficulty I twist her hands, spraining one wrist and breaking other, flipping her over and sending her toppling into those two Dauntless initiates. Molly's fell on one of them and their heads hit the side of the bed. The other Dauntless picks up her friend and sprints out of the room. May I just say, cowards? I scream.

Peter and company alerted by the noise look over and Peter twists some sensitive parts of my upper body and closes my nose cutting my scream short. Edward continues on whatever he was doing and I lift my head to spit on him. Drew in the mean time has left my legs and started towards my front section. I see myself thrust my head with all my body weight into Peter's chest while my hands squeeze his neck and somehow knee Edward in his family jewels. Twisting I get them off me and jab my elbow into Edward's nose. Drew has been nursing Peter and I attempt to run out when Edward grabs my ankle. I jump kick him and his grip flatters. I run, only to be stopped by Drew. I watch myself knee him in his junk and push him into the door and bang my head with his, before digging the hands of my hands into his skull. I knee and elbow him everywhere and he faints. I turn to face the two who have been watching this exchange silently when the door opens. Only now I realize that while fighting I had given them a full view of myself. Shit!

A hand caressing mine wakes me sit up with a scream and I turn to attack whoever dares touch me when I get lost in deep blue whirlpools of eyes. I blink and see that it actually is not Tobias but Al and Will. Christina they say has gone to get lunch for all of us. I was out for about five minutes, which was because of the exhaustion and blood loss from my side. I gasped, my side! The wound, crap.

I barely register them asking how I am; the pain in my back is so great. I must have hit my back when I fainted on the stony pit floor. The pit floor. Of course, this is why it feels like my spine is broken in half. I barely register their mouths forming my name before I go out. My mind is swimming with questions but the morphing in my system closes my eyes and they disappear like a dream in the sun. Somewhere in the next ten minutes I wake up and make it to the dorm but not before I see Edward all banged up. Will and Al have left for lunch too.

I walk out to see Tobias standing by the door, hidden in the shadows with his friends. To anyone it would look as if they were hanging out but from the way he catches my eye, I know he is looking out for me. I would not have noticed him if I was Tris the Divergent and not Tris the girl who returned from the dead. Training myself to notice him is one of the best things I have ever done.

As much as my Erudite wants to go and confront him, I waver and go to the lunch hall.

"Hey Christina," I greet her with a forced smile.

"Tris, how are you? They let you come out? Did you see Peter or Molly or Drew? Have they been sent to the Factionless? How could they do that?" her questions are frantic and make me laugh.

" Yes, I am fine, it was just exhaustion and no I did not see anyone except Edward," I answer before asking "But how did you know what happened this morning? I mean you were there but why did you come back?" My heart hammers in my chest at an unhealthy speed as I wait for her response.

"Tris, come let us got to the dorm," she says. I follow her and then look at her expectantly and she opens her mouth after several seconds before she closes it again.

"Chris," I hiss, narrowing my eyes at her and giving her my deluxe I will kill you stare. It is not as good as Tobias's but it works.

"Tris, I do not know how but when you were late along with Peter and people Eric got very irritated. Four slipped off in the middle of the first fight and then came to the training room running and suddenly asked me to follow him."

I love to think that he got a sappy feeling I was in trouble but I know it's not true. Chris, on the other hand, never lies, so she must be telling me all she knows, which means I have to confront Tobias. In an attempt to cheer me up Christina takes me shopping and the day flies by and we are all in the dorm with ten minutes till the curfew.

"Tris, you should rest," she says before walking out of the dorm. I want to follow her but before I can do so, my eyes find the small tablet the nurse gave me and told me to take it as soon as I reached the dorm. I badly want to throw it away; it could be a stimulation tablet or something worse. However I still take it, thinking of how Tobias's stood in the shadows by the door and his smile when he saw me out along with the worry in his eyes. When will he ever stop worrying? I want him to stop thinking I am frail. I can take care of myself and I take the tablet just to prove it. I hope I do not regret it is the last thing I think of before making my way to my bed and falling asleep. It is nearly nine at night after all. I groan inside as I realized that they had kept me under sleeping tablets the whole day, I hate them. But why would the Dauntless do this?

Visiting day. The second I open my eyes, I remember. My heart leaps and then plummets when I see Molly hobble across the dormitory, her nose purple between s trips of medical tape. Once I see her leave, I check for Peter and Drew. Neither of them is in the dormitory, so I change quickly. As long as they aren't here, I don't care who sees me in my underwear, not anymore. Everyone else dresses in silence. Not even Christina smiles. We all know that we might go to the Pit floor and search every face and never find one that belongs to us. I know my ex-dauntless Mom who was actually from another city will come but she can change her mind. I make my bed with the tight corners like my father taught me. As I pinch a stray hair from my pillow, Eric walks in. "Attention!" he announces, flicking a lock of dark hair from his eyes. "I want to give you some advice about today. If by some miracle your families do come to visit you…" He scans our faces and smirks. "…which I doubt, it is best not to seem too attached. That will make it easier for you, and easier for them. We all so take the phrase 'faction before blood' very seriously here. Attachment to your family suggests you aren't entirely pleased with your faction, which would be shameful. Understand?" I understand. I hear the threat in Eric's sharp voice. The only part of that speech that Eric meant was the last part: We are Dauntless, and we need to act accordingly.

On my way out of the dormitory, Eric stops me. "I may have underestimated you, Stiff," he says. "You did well yesterday." I stare up at him. Not for the first time since I beat Edward, guilt pinches my gut. If Eric thinks I did something right, I must have done it wrong. "Thank you," I say. I slip out of the dormitory. Once my eyes adjust to the dim hallway light, I see Christina and Will ahead of me, Will laughing, probably at a joke Christina made. I don't try to catch u p. For some reason, I feel like it would be a mistake to interrupt them, after all they will start dating soon and if I will make sure that they live long enough to be surrounded by their grand children. Al is missing. I didn't see him in the dormitory, and he's not walking toward the Pit now. I have no idea where he is but I know he is hiding from his family. I have to bring him out this time.

I run my fingers through my hair and smooth it into a bun. I check my clothes—am I covered up? My pants are tight and my collarbone is showing. They won't approve. Who cares if they approve? I set my jaw. This is my fact ion now. These are the clothes my faction wears and I know there was a time my parents too wore different clothes. I stop just before the hallway ends. Clusters of families stand on the Pit floor, most of them Dauntless families with Dauntless initiates. They still look strange to me—a mother with a pierced eyebrow, a father with a tattooed arm, an initiate with purple hair, a wholesome family unit. I spot Drew and Molly standing alone at one end of the room and suppress a smile. At least their families didn't come, just like last time. I wonder if their families will visit them when they are factionless. Any emotion other than hate I ever had for them is gone after yesterday.

But Peter's did. He stands next to a tall man with bushy eyebrows and a short, meek-looking woman with red hair. Neither of his parents looks like him. They both wear black pants and white shirts, typical Candor outfits, and his father speaks so loudly I can almost hear him from where I stand. Do they know what kind of person their son is? Then again…what kind of person am I? Across the room, Will stands with a woman in a blue dress. She doesn't look old enough to be his mother, but she has the same crease between her eyebrows as he does, and the same golden hair, that I would recognize anywhere. Cara. Next to him, Christina hugs a dark-skinned woman in Candor black and white. Standing behind Christina is a young girl, also a Candor. Her younger sister, Rose. Should I even bother scanning the crowd for my parents? I could turn around and go back to the dormitory. Maybe she decided not to come.

Then I see her. My mother stands alone near the railing with her hands clasped in front of her. She has never looked more out of place, with her gray slacks and gray jacket buttoned at the throat, her hair in its simple twist and her face placid. I start toward her, tears jumping into my eyes. She came. She came for me. I knew it.

I walk faster. She sees me, and for a second her expression is blank, like she doesn't know who I am. Then her eyes light up, and she opens her arms. She smells like soap and laundry detergent. "Beatrice," she whispers. She runs her hand over my hair. Don't cry , I tell myself. I hold her until I can blink the moisture from m y eyes, and then pull back to look at her again. I smile with closed lips, just like she does. She touches my cheek. "Well, look at you," she says. "You've filled out. You fine dear? Not much trouble I hope?" Hearing this makes me think that she knows what happened yesterday. She puts her arm across my shoulders. "Tell me how you are." "You first." The old habits are back. I should let her speak first. I shouldn't let the conversation stay focused on me for too long. I should make sure she doesn't need anything. "Today is a special occasion," she says. "I came to see you, so let's talk mostly about you. It is my gift to you." My selfless mother, I think but then sigh, why did she never tell me about her life, about the fringe and about Dauntless? She betrayed me for an experiment. She should not be giving me gifts, not after I left her and my father. I walk with her toward the railing that overlooks the chasm, glad to be close to her.

I think of Caleb standing among the Erudite initiates, scanning the crowd for our mother, and feel a pang in my stomach. Part of me is still angry with him for keeping so many secrets from me, but I don't want him to hurt, even though he did betray me in my past life. I look toward the chasm. Standing alone a t the railing is Tobias, just like last time. Though he's not an initiate anymore, most of the Dauntless use this day to come together with their families. "There's one of my instructors." I lean closer to her and say, "He's kind of intimidating." "He's handsome," she says. I find myself nodding and blushing without thinking. She laughs and lifts her arm from my shoulders. I want to steer her away from him, but just as I'm about to suggest that we go somewhere else, he looks over his shoulder.

His eyes widen at the sight of my mother. She offers him her hand. "Hello. My name is Natalie," she says. "I'm Beatrice's mother." Tobias eases his hand into hers, looking stiff, and shakes it twice. I know why he is so uncomfortable- he does not want to be recognized.

"Four," he says. "It's nice to meet you." "Four," my mother repeats, smiling. "Is that a nickname?" "Yes." He doesn't elaborate. "Your daughter is doing well here. I've been overseeing her training." "That's good to hear," she says. "I know a few things about Dauntless initiation, and I was worried about her." He looks at me, and his eyes move down my face, from nose to mouth to chin. Then he says, "You shouldn't worry." I can't keep the heat from rushing into my cheeks. I hope it isn't noticeable. I wonder what my mother will think when I come first? And what did that look mean? She tilts her head. "You look familiar for some reason, Four." "I can't imagine why," he replies, his voice suddenly cold. "I don't make a habit of associating with the Abnegation." My mother laughs. She has a light laugh, half air and half sound. "Few people do, these days. I don't take it personally."

He seems to relax a little. "Well, I'll leave you to your reunion." My mother and I watch him leave. The roar of the river fills my ears. "Is he always like that?" she says. "No, generally he is very good." "Have you made friends?" she asks but her eyes show the teasing remark which is so unlike Abnegation that I almost laugh. Pure genetics, my foot. "A few," I say. I look over my shoulder at Will and Christina and their families. When Christina catches my eye, she beckons to me, smiling, so my mother and I cross the Pit floor. Before we can get to Will and Christina, though, a short, round woman with a black and-white-striped shirt touches m y arm. I twitch, resisting the urge to smack her hand away. "Excuse me," she says. "Do you know my son? Albert?" "Albert?" I repeat. "Oh—you mean Al? Yes, I know him." "Do you know where we can find him?" she says, gesturing to a man behind her. He is tall and a s thick as a boulder. Al's father, obviously. "yes, the dorms," I say.

My mother isn't reacting the way some of the other transfers' parents are—her neck bent, looking around at the Pit walls, at the Pit ceiling, at the chasm. Of course she isn't curious—she's Abnegation and was here before many of us. Dauntless and Indianapolis born. I introduce my mother to Will and Christina, and Christina introduces me to her mother and her sister, even though technically I know already.

But when Will introduces me to Cara, she gives me the kind of look that would wither a plant and does not extend her hand for me to shake. It hurt but I guess coming back from the dead might turn friends into enemies. She glares at my mother. "I can't believe that you associate with one of them, Will," she says. My mother purses her lips, but of course, doesn't say anything. "Cara," says Will, frowning, "there's no need to be rude." "Oh, certainly not. Do you know what she is?" She points at my mother. "She's a council member's wife is what she is. She runs the 'volunteer agency' that supposedly helps the factionless. You think I don't know that you're just hoarding goods to distribute to your own faction while we don't get fresh food for a month, huh? Food for the factionless, my eye." "I'm sorry," my mother says gently. "I believe you are mistaken." "Mistaken. Ha," Cara snaps. "I'm sure you're exactly what you seem. A faction of happy-go-lucky do-gooders without a selfish bone in their bodies. Right." "Don't speak to my mother that way," I say, my face hot. I clench my hands into fists. "Don't say another word to her or I swear I will break your nose." "Back off, Tris," Will says. "You're not going to punch my sister." "Oh?" I say, raising both eyebrows. "You think so?" I say even though he is right, I cannot hurt Cara. "No, you're not." Mother touches my shoulder. "Come on, Beatrice. We wouldn't want to bother your friend's sister." She sounds gentle, but her hand squeezes my arm so hard I almost cry out from the pain as she drags me away. She walks with me, fast, toward the dining hall. Just before she reaches it, though, she takes a sharp left turn and walks down one of the dark hallways I haven't explored yet. "Mom," I say. "She stops next to a locked door and stands on her tiptoes, peering at the base of the blue lamp hanging from the ceiling. A few seconds later she nods and turns to me again. "I said no questions about me. And I meant it. Ho w are you really doing, Beatrice? How have the fights been? How are you ranked?" "Ranked?" I say feigning surprise. I do not want to tick her off but two can play at a game. She keeps secrets, I do too and my secret cannot be out, it is so unrealistic and dangerous.. "You know that I've been fighting? You know that I'm ranked?" "It isn't top-secret information, how the Dauntless initiation process works." I don't know how easy it is to find out what another faction does during initiation, but I suspect it's not that easy. Slowly, I say, "I'm close to the top, Mom." "Oh no!." She nods and I feel bad. " Now, this is very important, Beatrice: What were your aptitude test results?" I answer straight away because I know she is one too and she is my mom, I can trust her. "They were inconclusive," I say softly. "I thought as much." She sighs. "Many children who are raised Abnegation receive that kind of result. We don't know why." She knows but won't tell. " But you have to be very careful during the next stage of initiation, Beatrice. Stay in the middle of the pack, no matter what you do. Don't draw attention to yourself. Do you understand?" "Mom, what's going on?"I ask more for her benefit than mine. "I don't care what faction you chose," she says, touching her hands to my cheeks. "I am your mother and I want to keep you safe."

I hear shouts and conversations, laughter and shuffling footsteps from the pit. The smell from the dining hall floats over my nose, sweet and yeast y: baking bread. When she turns toward me, her jaw is set. "There's something I want you to do," she says. "I can't go visit your brother, but you can, when initiation is over. So I want you to go find him and tell him to research the simulation serum. Okay? Can you do that for me?"

"Yes mother" I reply. She kisses my cheek and brushes a lock of hair that fell from my bun behind my ear. "I should leave. It will make you look better if you and I don't see m attached to each other." "I don't care how I look to them," I say. "You should," she says.

"I suspect they are already monitoring you." She walks away. At the end of the hallway she turns and says, "Have a piece of cake for me, all right? The chocolate. It's delicious." She smiles a strange, twisted smile, and adds, "I love you, you know." And then she's gone.

That afternoon, I go back to the dormitory while everyone else spends time with their families and find Al sitting on his bed, staring at the space on the wall where the chalkboard usually is. Tobias took it down yesterday so he could calculate our stage one rankings. "There you are!" I say. "Your parents were looking for you. Did they find you?" "Yes," he says. I sit down next to him on the bed. My leg is barely hall of the width of his, even now that it's more muscular than it was. He wears black shorts.

His knee is purple-blue with a bruise and crossed with a scar. "You didn't want to see them?" I say even though I know he didn't. I guess meeting them did well or so I hope. "Didn't want them to ask how I was doing," he says. "I had to tell them, and they knew I was lying." "Well…" I struggle to come up with something to say. "What's wrong with how you're doing?" Al laughs harshly. "I've lost every fight since the one with Will. I'm not doing well and they know." "By choice, though. Couldn't you tell them that, too?" He shakes his head. "Dad always wanted me to come here. I mean, they said they wanted me to stay in Candor, but that's only because that's what they're suppose d to say. They've always admired the Dauntless, both of them. They wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it to them." "Oh." I tap my fingers against my knee. Then I look at him. "Is that why you chose Dauntless? Because of your parents?" Al shakes hi s head. "No. I guess it was because…I think it's important to protect people. To stand up for people. Like you did for me." He smiles at me. "That's what the Dauntless are supposed to do, right? That's what courage is. Not…hurting people for no reason." I remember what Four told me, that teamwork used to be a Dauntless priority. What were the Dauntless like when it was? What would I have learned if I had been here when my mother was Dauntless? Maybe I wouldn't have broken Molly's nose. Or threatened Will's sister. I feel a pang of guilt, just like the one I felt the last time we had this conversation or the last time I talked to Al but I also feel remorse for where this conversation is going. "Maybe it will be better once initiation is over." "Too bad I might come in last," Al says. "I guess we'll see tonight." We sit side-b y-side for a while. It's better to be here, in silence, than in the Pit, watching everyone laugh with their families.

My father used to say that sometimes, the best way to help someone is just to be near them. I feel good when I do something I know he would be proud of, like it makes up for all the things I've done that he wouldn't be proud of like shooting Will and others. I know he does not mind me being dauntless, because it saves our city. I remember what Zoe had said about the size of Chicago but she was wrong. Maybe we are negligible in size but every person on Earth matters. Everyone is someone's child, sibling or partner. "I feel braver when I'm around you, you know," he says pulling me out of my thoughts. I am actually surprised he did not want to know what I was thinking. "Like I could actually fit in here, the same way you do." I am about to respond when he slides his arm across my shoulders. Suddenly I freeze my cheeks hot. I didn't want to be right about Al's feelings for me again. But I was. I do not lean into him. Instead I sit forward so his arm falls away. Then I squeeze my hands together in my lap. "Tris, I…," he says. His voice sounds strained. I glance at him. His face is as red as mine feels, but he's not crying—he just looks embarrassed. "Um…sorry," he says. "I wasn't trying to…um. Sorry." I wish I could tell him not to take it personally. I could tell him that my parents rarely held hands even in our own home, so I have trained myself to pull away from all gestures of affection, because they raised me to take them seriously. Maybe if I told him that, there wouldn't be a layer of hurt beneath his flush of embarrassment. But of course, it is personal. He is my friend—and that is all. What is more personal than that? I breathe in, and when I breathe out, I make myself smile.

"Sorry about what?" I ask, trying to sound casual. I brush off my jeans, though there isn't anything on them, and stand up. "I should go," I say. He nods and doesn't look at me. "You going to be okay?" I say. "I mean…because of your parents. Not because…" I let my voice trail off. I don't know what I would say if I didn't. "Oh. Yeah." He nods again, a little too vigorously. "I'll see you later, Tris." I try not to walk out of the room too fast. When the dormitory door closes behind me, I touch a hand to my forehead and grin a little. Awkwardness aside, it is nice to be liked but what happened to the brotherly hints I had dropped?

Discussing our family visits would be too painful, so our final rankings for stage one are all anyone can talk about that night. Every time someone near me brings it up, I stare at some point across the room and ignore them. I know I will make it but still I am nervous. My rank can't be as bad as it used to be, especially after I beat Edward, but this leads to another problem- Peter, what will he do if he is not on top.

At dinner I sit with Christina, Will, and Al at a table in the corner. We are uncomfortably close to Peter, Drew, and Molly, who are at the next table over. When conversation at our table reaches a lull, I hear every word they say. They are speculating about the ranks. What a surprise. "You weren't allowed to have pets?" Christina demands, smacking the table with her palm. "Why not?" "Because they're illogical," Will says matter-of-factly. "What is the point in providing food and shelter for an animal that just soils your furniture, makes your home smell bad, and ultimately dies?" Al and I meet eyes, like we usually do when Will and Christina start to fight. But this time, the second our eyes meet, we both look away. I hope this awkwardness between us doesn't last long, even though I know it will. I want my friend back. Human hearts always hope when it comes to the self, my father used to say. Only know do I realize how right he is. "The point is…" Christina's voice trails off, and she tilts her head. "Well, they're fun to have. I had a bull dog named Chunker. One time we left a whole roasted chicken on the counter to cool, and while my mother went to the bathroom, he pulled it down off the counter and ate it, bones and skin and all. We laughed so hard." "Yes, that certainly changes my mind. Of course I want to live with an animal that eats all my food and destroys my kitchen." Will shakes his head. "Why don't you just get a dog after initiation if you're feeling that nostalgic?" "Because." Christina's smile falls, and she pokes at her potato with her fork. "Dogs are sort of ruined for me. After…you know, after the aptitude test." We exchange looks. We all know that we aren't supposed to talk about the test, not even now that we have chosen, but for them that rule must not be as serious as it is for me. My heart jumps unsteadily in my chest. For me that rule is protection. It keeps me from having to lie to my friends about my results until the day I can tell them. It saddens me that maybe all of us will not make it to that day. Shake that thought, Tris, I sternly tell myself, you are here to protect people. Every time I think the word "Divergent," I hear Tori's warning—and now my mother's and David's warning too. Don't tell anyone. Dangerous.

"You mean…killing the dog, right?" asks Will. No wonder Christina doesn't want a pet dog anymore. I tug my sleeves over my wrists and twist my fingers together. "Yeah," she says. "I mean, you guys all had to do that too, right?" She looks first at Al, and then at me. I still feel heavy. I should not lie to my friends. It creates barriers between us, and we already have more than I want. Only few days back when I beat Edward Will asked me if I was appearing weak to trick them. Christina taking the flag. Me rejecting Al. After dinner we go back to the dormitory, and it's hard for me not to sprint, knowing that the rankings will be up when I get there. I want to get it over with. At the door to the dormitory, Drew shoves me into the wall to get past me.

My shoulder scrapes on the stone, but I keep walking. I'm too short to see over the crowd of initiates standing near the back of the room, but when I find a space between heads to look through, I see that the blackboard is on the ground, leaning against Tobias's legs, facing away from us. He stands with a piece of chalk in one hand. "For those of you who just came in, I'm explaining how the ranks are determined," he says. "After the first round of fights, we ranked you according to your skill level. The number of points you earn depends on your skill level and the skill level of the person you beat. You earn more points for improving and more points for beating someone of a high skill level. I don't reward preying on the weak. That is cowardice." I think his eyes linger on Peter at that last line, but they move on quickly enough that I'm not sure. "If you have a high rank, you lose points for losing to a low-ranked opponent. If you are not there for a few fights them your ranks go down and attacking people outside training too." I never did ask him how he knew. It would be an awkward conversation which will have to wait until we are Tris and Tobias again not Tris and Four on his part.

Molly lets out an unpleasant noise, like a snort or a grumble. "Stage two of training is weighted more heavily than stage one, because it is more closely tied to overcoming cowardice," he says. "That said, it is extremely difficult to rank high a t the end of initiation if you rank low in stage one." I shift from one foot to the other, trying to get a good look at him. When I finally do, I look away. His eyes are already on me, probably drawn by my nervous movement. "We will announce the cuts tomorrow," Four says. "The fact that you are transfers and the Dauntless-born initiates are not will not be taken into consideration. Four of you could be factionless and none of them. Or four of them could be factionless and none of you. Or any combination thereof. That said, here are your ranks." He hangs the board on the hook and steps back so we can see the rankings: 1. Tris First? I can't be first. Beating Edward must have boosted my rank more than I thought it would. And losing to me seems to have lowered his and Peter's gang's. I continue to read. 2. Edward 3. Will 4. Christina 5. Peter 6. Drew 7. Molly 8. Al 9. Myra All isn't dead last, but unless the Dauntless-born initiates completely failed their version of stage one of initiation, he is factionless.

I glance at Christina. She tilts her head and frowns at the board. She isn't the only one. The quiet in the room is uneasy, like it is rocking back and forth on a ledge. Then it falls. "What?" demands Molly. She points at Christina. "I beat her! I beat her in minutes, and she's ranked above me?" "Yeah," says Christina, crossing her arms. She wears a smug smile. "And?" "If you intend to secure yourself a high rank, I suggest you don't make a habit of losing to low-ranked opponents or missing training as it is if Al and Myra were not losing every single fight then you would be last," says Four, his voice cutting through the mutters and grumbles of the other initiates. "How is she the fist?" Edward asks in an intimating voice. "I just said why," Four says. He seems Four now, the ruthless Dauntless instructor not the boy, I fell in love with, Tobias. He pockets the chalk and walks past me without glancing in my direction. The words sting a little, reminding me that I am the low-ranked opponent he's referring to. Apparently they remind Edward and others, too.

"You," Molly says, focusing her narrowed eyes on me. "You are going to pay for this." I expect her to lunge at me, or hit me, but she just turns on her heel and stalks out of the dormitory, and that is worse. If she had exploded, her anger would have been spent quickly, after a punch or two. Leaving means she wants to plan something. Leaving means I have to be on my guard. Peter didn't say anything when the rankings went up, which, given his tendency to complain about anything that doesn't go his way, is surprising but not. I know he plans something, maybe including butter knives. He just walks to his bunk and sits down, untying his shoelaces. That makes me feel even more uneasy. He can't possibly be satisfied with fifth place. Heck I know he is not and I am number one on his target list because I beat him last time and am first now. Crap. Not Peter. Will and Christina slap hands, and then Will claps me on the back with a hand bigger than my shoulder blade. "Look at you. Number one," he says, grinning but I see the suspicion behind. I do not want to lose my friends, I think."We should celebrate." "Well, let's go, then," says Christina, grabbing my arm with one hand and Al's arm with the other. "Come on, Al. You don't know how the Dauntless-borns did. You don't know anything for sure." "I'm just going to go to bed," he mumbles, pulling his arm free. I know Four's words hurt him and apart from that there is tension in the air, the kind you can cut with butter knives. The thought makes me shiver. In the hallway, it is easy to forget about Al and Molly's revenge and Peter's suspicious calm, and easy to pretend that what separates us as friends does not exist. But lingering at the back of my mind is the f act that Christina and Will are my competitors. If they want to fight their way to the top ten, they will have to beat me first. I just hope I don't have to betray them in the process.

That night I have trouble falling asleep. The dormitory used to seem loud to me, with all the breathing, but now it is too quiet. When it's quiet, I think about my family. Thank God the Dauntless compound is usually loud. I miss the Abnegation peace, its routine, its goodness. I bury my face in the pillow. Mom asked me to tell Caleb to research the simulation serum—why? Does it have something to do with me being Divergent, with me being in danger, or is it something else? Does she know about the attack? Then a memory flashes- David told my mom, she knows maybe.

I sigh. I have a thousand questions, and she left before I could ask any o f them. Now they swirl in my head, and I doubt I'll be able to sleep until I can answer them. I hear a scuffle across the room and lift my head from the pillow. I am extremely uneasy. Peter is a devil and he only spares those who "owe" him something. Hard as I tried, he never seemed in need of help and I know he is going to hurt me. I am on my guard, it is after all now or never. My eyes aren't adjusted to the dark, so I stare into pure black, like the backs of my eyelids. I hear shuffling and the squeak of a shoe. A heavy thud. I turn and try to see what has happened aware that Peter is near by when I fall off my bed. And then a wail that curdles my blood and makes my hair stand on end but I know that I gave that wail, because something hard had hit me from behind and made me land on something sharp on the ground. I knew that Peter would do something and I was watching my back, how did this happen? I should have been more alert, should have told Chris and Will and Al. I throw the blankets back on the bed and stand on the stone floor with bare feet my hands trying to keep the blood from escaping. I still can't see well enough to find Peter, but I see a dark lump on the floor next to me. It is Christina. Another scream pierces my ears and then I slid down, clutching my abdomen the blood seeping freely from where Peter stabbed me again. I turn and punch Peter hard and kick his legs before I sense a knife near my side and turn on stomach. Peter puts his show on my back and the pressure making the blood leave my body faster and I nearly choke on my own blood. Desperate I scream again. "Turn on the lights!" someone shouts. Another attack on my skull and two people run away in the dark. Blood seeping from everywhere I can only see and not move.

I feel like I'm in a trance. I don't want to see where the blood is coming from. A scream like that can only mean blood and bone and pain; that scream that comes from the pit of the stomach and extends to every inch of the body. The lights come on. I lie on the floor next to his bed, clutching at my abdomen. Surrounding my head is a halo of blood, and jutting between my clawing fingers is a silver knife handle near my pancreas. Those idiots dragged the knife from my abdomen to my pancreas. I do not even dare to count how many muscles and vital organs they tore apart. I see starts and the sun and so much blood. My heart thumping in my ears. Feeling thirsty. Eyes shutting. Someone screams , and someone yells for help, and I feel like I am dreaming but I sense I am still on the floor, writhing and wailing. I cannot see anything but I can still feel. The pain is intense but I feel numb. I smell something foul. Someone vomited. "Take it out!" someone yells. "Get it out, get it out of her, get it out!"

I try to shake my head and then realize that I cannot. A laugh bubbles in my stomach. Hysterical. I have to suppress hysteria if I'm going to live. I have to forget myself. I try again but nothing happens. I feel like I have lost all control over my body. "No," I say or rather try to but words seem to have left me. "You have to let the doctor take it out. Hear me? Let the doctor take it out. And breathe." Someone tells but their voice sounds familiar like Christina."It hurts," I sob in my mind as I think of this. "I know it does." Instead of my voice I hear my mother's voice. I see her crouching before me on the sidewalk in front of our house, brushing tears from my face after I scraped my knee. I was five at the time, memories come rushing at me, my time in the beauro and everything."It will be all right." she tries to sound firm, like she is not idly reassuring him, but she is. I don't know if it will be all right.

I suspect that it won't. When the nurse arrives, she tells everyone to step back. My hands and knees are soaked with blood. When I look around, I see that only two faces are missing. Drew. And Peter but no one seems to be able to see me move. I guess this is all going on in my head.

After they take me away, I am put in hospital clothes. Christina comes with me and stands by the door, but she doesn't say anything, and I'm glad. There isn't much to say. I vaguely hear people but do not hear the one I want to hear Tobias or Caleb or Cara. My head I remember had hit something hard and I also remember that Peter had used a rod on it. They seem to be taking me to the city hospital- too dangerous they say. Tobias and Eric are here. Somebody shifts me into someone's arms from the stretcher and then a gentle sway but it sends jolts of pain through me, as if they are running. I want to sleep but I can't.

I do not remember much when I wake up, except I am in a hospital. Maybe Caleb brought me here after David shot me. I look around and see I am hooked to bandages and tubes. I try to stand up but fall down again. I cannot even move, breathing sends jolts of pain through me. A nurse informs me that I have been out for ten hours and that my injuries could have been dangerous if the young man who brought me here did not do so fast enough. I am not alright now but I will be able to go back to the Dauntless Compound on a wheelchair.

"Dauntless Compound?" I ask "I am in Chicago?" the nurse is Amity and looks confused.

"What do you remember?" she asks

"I remember going into the weapons lab and Dvid shooting me. I remmber the memory serum. Did it work? I rember Caleb," I say but with my throat raspy the words come out all weird.

"Oh poor dear, it looks like that damage to your head did not take away your memory but made you hallucinate," she says.

I remember that Tobias had gone to Chicago, maybe he is still here. I ask the nurse if I can see him or Christina. When she says that she can call Chris but has no idea who Tobias is I am confused. Why does she not know him? Why does she call me a Dauntless initiate? Were all those things with David and the Insurgent and the Allegiant a dream? What happened? I ask her to call Four when she is nearly out of the door and she comes back with Christina, Will, Al and Four.  
>"I must be hallucinating," I think before I close my eyes and go back to sleep ignoring what the hallucinations are saying. Will's ghost will always haunt me; I think before the scene before me changes. I am in a white place which calms me down, as if I have been here before.<p>

"Beatrice, dear child," a warm voice says and I walk forward, trusting it.

"Child, what happened was very unfortunate, you are lucky to be alive," it continues and I nod, those bullets by David should have killed me.

"Yes, Tris those bullets killed you and you were re born in the same life to change things but the incident with Peter, he hit you in the back with one of the steel cables which has given you a minor head injury and the medicines had the effect of memory loss for an hour or so on you. However I cannot allow that," the figure says before placing a hand on my head. I gasp and sit up and immediately Christina is beside me. I remember everything now. I hope that I have not messed up, I hope. In a few hours I have changed with Christina help but I am felling extremely miserable. This all seems so surreal; I never got hurt so many times in so few days. I have to avoid it as well as endure a wheelchair for today and tomorrow or just today and use tomorrow to build up my strength. They say I am lucky that the knife did not cut deep or else it would be months before I healed.

As I reach for the door handle, Christina says, "You know who did that, right?" "Yeah." "Should w e tell someone?" "You really think the Dauntless will do anything?" I say. "After they hung you over the chasm? After they made us beat each other unconscious?" She doesn't say anything. For a half hour after we have reached, I kneel alone on the floor in the dormitory and scrub at my blood. Christina throws away the dirty paper towels and gets me new ones. No one had cleaned up, this disgusts me.

"This is going to sound weird," Will says, "but I wish we didn't have a day off today." I nod. I know what he means. Having something to do would distract me, and I could use a distraction right now. I have not spent much time alone with Will, but Christina and Al are taking naps in the dormitory, and neither of us wanted to be in that room longer than we had to. Will didn't tell me that; I just know. I know they are still angry with me but they pity me. I cannot understand how could I be so foolish and let Peter take me down again. I hate pity but if it gets me my friends back, I will take it. I just do not want to lose them. An advice Tobias gave me long ago rings in my ear- I have to look weak. I keep forgetting it, I am not a sixteen year old anymore, I am someone hardened by war. I wish I could go zip lining like I did when I was in this situation last time but I am confined to this stupid chair. I thought know that I am strong physically I might not have to pretend to be weak but now I do not know. I unknowingly slide one fingernail under another. I washed my hands thoroughly after cleaning up my blood, but I still feel like it's on my hands. Will wheels me with no sense of purpose. There is nowhere to go. Sometimes crying or laughing are the only options left, and laughing feels better right now. "Sorry," I say. "It's just so ridiculous." I do not even know what I am laughing at or maybe the thought of Will wheeling me is hilarious. It seems I do not know anything right now. Ironic, is it not? The one who knows the future is helpless to act because she knows nothing.

I don't want to cry for myself. I want to cry because something terrible happened, and I saw it, and I could not see a way to mend it. No one who would want to punish Peter has the authority to, and no one who has the authority to punish him would want to. I know Tobias wants to kill him but cannot and for once I am happy, I do not want to be the reason due to which his worst nightmares come true. Been there, done that, a tiny voice whispers in my mind and it sounds like Peter of all the people. Not the Peter I know now but the one I knew after he saved me, and I guess it is correct. Tobias was scared or rather terrified of losing me and I died. I guess I should stay away from him now but the thought of being away is like a bullet all over again. I am selfish, rings in my head. Selfish enough to choose him and cause him pain. No, I will let him go but I cannot. A thought I had long ago rings in my brain- it will take a great of selflessness to leave Tobias and a great act of bravery to choose him and my being alive in dauntless says I am selfish. I am brave. With difficulty I take my thoughts back to the previous topic.

"Tris, you alright? You look like you are in pain," Will asks concerned. Are my thoughts so nicely portrayed on my face? This is not good. I change my face to an emotionless mask and shake my head, to show I am alright. "I wish we could report Peter," he says. " No, he will think I am weak then," I say only to deter him away from that point, though right now weakness is my best friend probably, especially now. The Dauntless have rules against attacking someone like that, but with people like Eric in charge, I suspect those rules go unenforced. I say, more seriously, "The most ridiculous part is, in any other faction it would be brave of us to tell someone what happened. But here…in Dauntless…bravery won't do us any good." "Have you ever read the faction manifestos?" says Will.

The faction manifestos were written after the factions formed. We learned about them in school, but I never read them, only heard them from Will himself and read the Erudite one in captivity. "Yes, you?" I frown at him. I remember that Will once memorized a map of the city for fun, and I say, "Of course you have. Never mind." "One of the lines I remember from the Dauntless manifesto is, 'We believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.'" Will sighs. He doesn't need to say anything else. I know what he means. Maybe Dauntless was formed with good intentions, with the right ideals and the right goals. But it has strayed far from them. And the same is true of Erudite, I realize. A long time ago, Erudite pursued knowledge and ingenuity for the sake of doing good. Now they pursue knowledge and ingenuity with greedy hearts and to brain control entire factions to murder others. I wonder if the other factions suffer from the same problem. I have not thought about it before. Despite the depravity I see in Dauntless, though, I could not leave it. It isn't only because the thought of living factionless, in complete isolation, sounds like a fate worse than death. It is because, in the brief moments that I have loved it here, I saw a faction worth saving. Maybe we can become brave and honorable again but I know that to progress we have to get past the whole faction thing because it is so corrupt. For the first and hopefully the last time in my life, I agree with Evelyn. I also know that not the faction but our choices are what that defines us, being in dauntless is not what makes us brave but facing our fears is what that does. I also know that if seen correctly all factions are interdependent and hold up the value of others. Tobias once told me that selflessness and bravery are not at all different. I could not understand it then. I do now. I know that putting others before you always as in Abnegation is a form of bravery and so is being honest always even if leads you into trouble. Pursuing knowledge above all and using it to help others like Matthews and Cara did is a form of bravery on its own and having the guts to stand as human barricades to bullets and putting forth your views like the Amity do is also brave. We value each other but do not realize it. Now we have come so far and become worse- Abnegation have forgotten what it is like to think and Dauntless is ruled by power hungry murders and Erudite have turned into schemers. Amity is unaware of everything and Candor does not care. The Abnegation have forgotten importance of time while the Erudite, I think, have seen so many secrets of the government that they think conspiring with David is good for them and just want to govern their little bubble of safety of a city. "Let's go to the cafeteria," Will says bringing me out of my thoughts, "and eat cake." "Okay." I smile. As we walk or in my case wheel toward the Pit, I repeat the line Will quoted to myself so I don't forget it.

I believe in ordinary acts of bravery, in the courage that drives one person to stand up for another.

It is a beautiful thought.

Later, when I return to the dormitory, Myra's bunk has been stripped. When I ask Christina where they went, she says, "Got cut." " Why did Edward not quit?" "He did it because he did not want to leave with Myra. They had a huge fight over what he did to you the other day and she left him." She shrugs, like she can't think of anything else to do. If that's true, I know how she feels, not because I have been cheated on by my boyfriend- that is a horrific though- but because I have been betrayed by someone whom I love. "At least they didn't cut Al." Al was supposed to get cut, but the two dauntless borns who attacked me and one of their friends got cut. I think that one of my attackers and another one were cut during my first initiation and the other attacker was cut this time for missing fights. I feel guilty, even though I am the one in the wheelchair because I just ruined someone's families and gave Evelyn some soldiers. The Dauntless decided to spare Al until the next stage. I nod and look at the blackboard. Someone drew a line through Myra's names, and changed the numbers next to everyone else's names. No one sleeps much that night because we all are on our edges waiting for the next thing to happen or maybe I am being paranoid. I know Peter is mad because he thought he could get me down and to quit. However I am still nervous because as Shauna once put it "How can I survive Dauntless and a war in a chair?"

It's noon. Lunch time. I wheel in the hallway I met Uriah for the second time in, before we went zip lining. I walked here because I needed to get away from the dormitory. Maybe if I bring my bedding here, I will never have to go to the dormitory again. It may be my imagination, but it still smells like blood in there, even though I scrubbed the floor until my hands were sore, and someone poured bleach on it this morning. I pinch the bridge of my nose. Scrubbing the floor when no one else wanted to was something that my mother would have done. If I can't be with her, the least I can do is act like her sometimes. The thought hurts. If I do not act I will lose all my family in a matter of days. I feel extremely selfish, I remember once that I thought that words like Divergent and dauntless do not describe us but our choices do. Are my choices right? I seem to be following my heart more than my head. I chose dauntless to be with Tobias, I do everything to make sure this changing the past thing does not affect us; I am not even thinking about saving lives, all I think about is him. When did I become this girl? The one who cannot even think of anyone other than Tobias? How will I survive the challenges that are sure to come if I behave like this? Sure I need his help but... ugh… all this thinking is making my head pound. I hear people approaching, their footsteps echoing on the stone floor, and I look down at my shoes. I switched from gray sneakers to black sneakers long ago, but the gray shoes are buried in one of my drawers. I can't bear to throw them away, even though I know it's foolish to be attached to sneakers, like they can bring me home. "Tris?" I look up. Uriah stops in front of me. He waves along the Dauntless-born initiates he walks with- Marlene, Lynn and Shauna. They exchange looks but keep moving. "You okay?" he says. "If one more person asks me that I will shoot them. Can I just say I had a difficult night?"I ask tired of all the questioning. "Yeah, I heard about that." Uriah looks down the hallway. The Dauntlessborn initiates disappear around a corner. Then he grins a little but it quickly fades. "Hey, something wrong?" I ask, I know they are going zip lining, that is why I picked this corridor. I want to go, it was fun and maybe it will be the only time I get to feel the thrill again. I even asked my nurse, not giving away the plan of course, if I could zip line. She said that as long as someone carried me to the harness, I would be fine. "Want to get out of here?" Uriah asks finally. "You just stole the words out of my mouth," I say and then ask "Where are you going?" "To a little initiation ritual, he says. "Come on. We have to hurry." I briefly consider my options. I can sit here in safety, not straing my limbs and recover. Or I can leave the Dauntless compound and go zip lining and still recover at the same time, the nurse after all did say that exercise might do some good. This has an odd sense of de vuja. I am not entirely sure he will take me zip lining again, I mean considering the recent turn of events but then, do the Dauntless ever stop for anyone? I begin to wheel myself and jog-wheel next to Uriah to catch up to the Dauntless-born initiates. "The only initiates they usually let come are ones with older siblings in Dauntless," he says. "But they might not even notice. Just act like you belong." He says before saying oops and adding that he will cover for me. I hope he does. "What exactly are we doing?" "Something dangerous," he says. A look I can only describe as Dauntless mania enters his eyes, but rather than recoil from it, as I might have a few weeks ago, I catch it, like it's contagious. Excitement replaces the leaden feeling inside me. We slow when we reach the Dauntless-born initiates. "What's the Stiff doing here?" asks a boy with a met all ring between his nostrils. "She just got nearly killed, Gabe," says Uriah. "Give her a break, okay?" Gabe shrugs and turns away.

No one else says anything, though a few of them give me sidelong glances like they're sizing me up. The Dauntless-born initiates are like a pack of dogs. If I act the wrong way, they won't let me run with them.

But for now, I am safe. We turn another corner, and a group of members stands at the end of the next hallway. There are too many of them to all be related to a Dauntless-born initiate, but I see some similarities among the faces. "Let's go," one of the members says. He turns and plunges through a dark doorway. The other members follow him, and we follow them. I stay close behind Uriah as I pass into darkness and my wheel hits a step. Uriah turns and then picks me up, throwing me on his back, much like Al does and starts to climb. Uriah is more of a brother than Caleb will ever be. "Back staircase," Uriah says, almost mumbling. "Usually locked." I nod, though he can't see me but I know he feels it. He is carrying me! We climb until all the steps are gone. By then, a door at the top of the staircase is open, letting in daylight. We emerge from the ground a few hundred yards from the glass building above the Pit, close to the train tracks.

I feel like I have done this a thousand times before. I hear the train horn. I feel the vibrations in the ground. I see the light attached to the head car. I crack my knuckles and am about to bounce once on my toes when I release I cannot jump, when I had come back Christina and Will had carried me, with Tobias behind eyeing Will but now I have no one, Uriah practically carried me and now is holding me up, if he leaves I will kiss the ground. We jog in a single pack next to the car, and in waves, members and initiates alike pile into the car. Uriah gets in carrying me, and I begin to think that it is a bad idea. I am sure he can carry me bridal style for a long time but I am not sure how weak I look now. Uriah grabs my arm to steady me. The train picks up its speed. Uriah and I sit against one of the walls. I shout over the wind, "Where are we going?" Uriah shrugs. "Zeke never told me." "Zeke?" I ask pretending. It will look weird otherwise. "My older brother," he says. He points across the room at a boy sitting in the doorway with his legs dangling out of the car. He is slight and short and looks nothing like Uriah, apart from his coloring. "You don't get to know. That ruins the surprise!" the girl on my left whom I recognize as Shauna shouts.

She extends her hand. "I'm Shauna." I shake her hand, but I don't grip hard enough and I let go too quickly, I have to refrain from saying I know. "I'm—" I start to say. "I know who you are," she says. "You're the Stiff. Four told me about you." I pray the heat in my cheeks is not visible. "Oh? What did he say?" She smirks at me. "He said you were a Stiff. Why do you ask?" "If my instructor is talking about me," I say, as firmly as I can, "I want to know what he's saying." I hope I tell a convincing lie. "He isn't coming, is he?" I ask even though I know he is not. "No. He never comes to this," she says. "It's probably lost its appeal. Not much scares him, you know." I nearly laugh, not much scares him, true but that is exactly why he is not here because heights is one of the few things that scare him. I am sure the other dauntless thinks that he does not comes because he feels it's beneath him. I ignore it and nod. She must not know that if she speaks of him with such reverence in her voice. "Do you know him well?" I ask. I am too curious; I always have been and especially of Tobias's friends, after all I did not exactly get much time with them. "Everyone knows Four," she says. "We were initiates together. I was bad at fighting, so he taught me every night after everyone was asleep." She scratches the back of her neck, her expression suddenly serious. "Nice of him." She gets up and stands behind the members sitting in the doorway. In a second, her serious expression is gone, but I still feel rattled by what she said, even though it is nothing new except for the peculiar feeling making me want to punch her. I know he does not like her and she is Zeke's girlfriend but still. A memory resurfaces of Tobias and Zeke going on double dates, making me feel sad. How I wish things between us would speed up already. "Here we go!" shouts Shauna. The train doesn't slow down, but she throws herself out of the car. The other members follow her, a stream of black-clothed, pierced people not much older than I am. I stand in the doorway in Uriah's arms. Uriah jogs to catch up to the members, along with the other initiates, who barely look in my direction. I look around as I walk. The Hub is behind us, black against the clouds, but the buildings around me are dark and silent. That means we must be north of the bridge, where the city is abandoned. We turn a corner and spread out as we walk down Michigan Avenue. South of the bridge, Michigan Avenue is a busy street, crawling with people, but here it is bare.

I know where we're going: the empty Hancock building, a black pillar with crisscrossed girders, the tallest building north of the bridge. As we get closer, the members start to run, and Uriah and sprints to catch them and I feel guilty, my Abnegation taking over, for making him carry me. I try to ask him to let me stand but he does not. Jostling one another with their elbows, they push through a set of doors at the building's bas e. The glass in one of them is broken, so it is just a frame. We step through it instead of opening it and follow the members through an eerie, dark entryway.

"What floor?" Lynn says. "One hundred," I say. "How would you know that?" "Lynn, come on," says Uriah. "Be nice." "We're in a one-hundred-story abandoned building with some Dauntless," I retort. "Why don't you know that?" She doesn't respond. I think of how different she looks than when she was in the Erudite compound and of her admission then. She probably still loves Marlene.

She just jams her thumb into the right button. The elevator zooms upward so fast my stomach sinks and my ears p op. I grab a railing at the side of the elevator, watching the numbers climb. We pass twenty, and thirty, and Uriah's hair is finally smooth. Fifty, sixty, and my toes are done throbbing. Ninety-eight, ninety-nine, and the elevator comes to a stop at one hundred. I'm glad we didn't take the stairs. "I wonder how we'll get to the roof from…" Uriah's voice trails off. A strong wind hits me, pushing my hair across m y face. There is a gaping hole in the ceiling of the hundredth floor. Zeke props an aluminum ladder against its edge and starts to climb. The ladder creaks and sways beneath his feet, but he keeps climbing, whistling as he does.

When he reaches the roof, he turns around and holds the top of the ladder for the next person. I climb the ladder with Uriah, he allows me to climb but keeps a hand on my waist to keep me from falling. It reminds me of climbing the rungs on the Ferris wheel with Four close at my heels. I remember his fingers on my hip again, how they kept me from falling, and I almost miss a step on the ladder. Stupid. Biting my lip, I make it to the top and stand on the roof of the Hancock building. The wind is so power full I hear and feel nothing else. I have to lean against Uriah to keep from falling over and he clutches my hand to keep me steady. It is a relief to be out of that chair, even though my legs hurt like hell. Uriah only let me down because I told him that my nurse had said I needed exercise and that since I was taking all my medicines on time, I would be fine .At first, all I see is the marsh, wide and brown and everywhere, touching the horizon, devoid of life. In the other direction is the city, and in many ways it is the same, lifeless and with limits I do not know. Uriah points to something. A zip line. "Oh my God," says Uriah. All I can do is nod. Shauna is the first person to get in the sling. She wriggles forward on her stomach until most of her body is supported by black fabric. Then Zeke pulls a strap across her shoulders, the small of her back, and the top of he r thighs. He pulls her, in the sling, to the edge of the building and counts down from five. Shauna gives a thumbs-up as he shoves her forward, into nothingness. Lynn gasps as Shauna hurtles toward the ground at a steep incline, headfirst.

I push past her to see better, pulling Uriah along because he refuse to let go off my hand, saying he does want to face Four's wrath for getting one of initiates killed. Shauna stays secure in the sling for as long as I can see her, and then she's too far away, just a black speck over Lake Shore Drive. The members whoop and pump their fists and form a line, sometimes shoving one another out of the way to get a better place. Somehow I am the first initiate in line, right in front of Uriah. Only seven people stand between me and the zip line. Still I groan, I have to wait for seven people?

It is a strange blend of terror and eagerness that I have become familiar with. The next member, a young-looking boy with hair down to his shoulders, jumps into the sling on his back instead of his stomach. He stretches his arms wide as Zeke shoves him down the steel cable.

Three people in front of me. Another sling; a member gets in feet-first and crosses her arms over her chest. Two people. A tall, thick boy jumps up and down like a child before climbing into the sling and lets out a high screech as he disappears, making the girl in front of me laugh. One person. She hops in to the sling face-first and keeps her hands in front of her as Zeke tightens her straps. And then it's my turn. I shudder as Zeke hangs my sling from the cable. I try to climb in, but I have trouble; my hands are shaking too badly and my legs are still weak. "Don't worry," Zeke says right next to my ear. I still am having trouble keeping my legs steady. I feel humiliated and angry, I can defeat the death serum but not this. "I am not letting her go alone, if she dies, four will kill me," saying so Uriah gets in the zip line and takes my arm and helps me get in, facedown. The straps tighten around my midsection, and Zeke slides me forward, to the edge of the roof. Uriah hugs me but then I realize that he is holding me so that we do not fall and die, even though that is impossible. He is a baby. "Scared?" I ask and he immediately lets go, putting as much space as he can put between us. I think of how Tobias will react when he hears this, how will it affect us? Will he be mad at me for being so close to Uriah or will he be jealous? I just hope he does not think, I like Uri or anything that will be mortifying. A part of me hoped he I envious but I put that thought away. How can I even think of hurting him like that?I stare down the building's steel girders and black windows, all the way to the cracked sidewalk. I am a fool for doing this. And a fool for enjoying the feeling of my heart slamming against my sternum and sweat gathering in the lines of my palms. "Ready, Stiff?" Zeke smirks down at me. "I have to say, I'm impressed that you aren't screaming and crying right now." "I told you," Uriah says. "She's Dauntless through and through. Now get on with it" "Careful, brother, or I might not tighten your straps enough," Zeke says. He smack s his knee. "And then, splat!" "Yeah, yeah," Uriah says. "And then our mother would boil you alive."

Hearing him talk about his mother, about his intact family, makes my chest hurt for a second, like someone pierced it with a needle. "Only if she found out." Zeke tugs on the pulley attached to the steel cable. It holds, which is fortunate, because if it breaks, my death will be swift and certain. He looks down at me and says, "Ready, set, g—" Before he can finish the word "go," he releases the sling and I forget him, I forget Uriah, and family, and all the things that could malfunction and lead to my death. I hear metal sliding against metal and feel wind so intense it forces tears into my eyes as I hurtle toward the ground. I feel like I am without substance, without weight. Ahead of me the marsh looks huge, its patches of brown spreading farther than I can see, even up this high. The air is so cold and so fast that it hurts my face. I pick up speed and a shout of exhilaration rises within me, stopped only by the wind that fills my mouth the second my lips part. Held secure by the straps, I throw my arms out to the side and imagine that I am flying. I plunge toward the street, which is cracked and patchy and follows perfectly the curve of the marsh. I can imagine, up here, how the marsh looked when it was full of water, like liquid steel as it reflected the color of the sky. My heart beats so hard it hurts, and I can't scream and I can't breathe, but I also feel everything, every vein and every fiber, every bone and every nerve, all awake and buzzing in my body as if charged with electricity. I am pure adrenaline.

The ground grows and bulges beneath me, and I can see the tiny people standing on the pavement below. I should scream, like any rational human being would, but when I open my mouth again, I just crow with joy. I yell louder, and the figures on the ground pump their fists and yell back, but they are so far away I can barely hear them. I look down and the ground smears beneath me, all gray and white and black, glass and pavement and steel. Tendrils of wind, soft as hair, wrap around my fingers and push my arms back. I try to pull my arms to my chest again, but I am not strong enough. Uriah yells all the way down, sounding and looking like a strangled bird and giving bloodcurdling screams. I just hope that my eardrums stay.

The ground grows bigger and bigger. I don't slow down for another minute a t least but sail parallel to the ground, like a bird. When I slow down, I run my fingers over my hair. The wind teased it into knots. I hang about twenty feet above the ground, but that height seems like nothing now. I reach behind me and work to undo the straps holding me in. My fingers shake, but I still manage to loosen them. A crowd of members stands below. They grasp one another's arms, forming a net of limbs beneath me.

I wriggle forward and fall. I hit their arms hard. Wrist bones and forearms press into my back, and then palms wrap around my arms and pull me to my feet. I don't know which hands hold me and which hands don't; I see grins and hear laughter. "What'd you think?" Shauna says, clapping me on the shoulder. "Um…" All the members stare at me. They look as windblown as I feel, the frenzy of adrenaline in their eyes and their hair askew. I know why my father said the Dauntless were a pack of madmen. He didn't—couldn't—understand the kind of camaraderie that forms only after you've all risked your lives together. "When can I go again?" I say. My smile stretches wide enough to show teeth, and when they laugh, I laugh. I think of climbing the stairs with the Abnegation, our feet finding the same rhythm, all of us the same. This isn't like that. We are not the same. But we are, somehow, one. I look toward the Hancock building, which is so far from where I stand that I can't see the people on its roof. I gasp as my legs give out under me and I fall. Uriah comes out of the cable and helps me up. I then walk and sit down next to a tree before standing next to them again after they have caught another person or two.

When the last person -Zeke finally comes to a stop, I follow the members to meet him. We line up beneath him and thrust our arms into the space between us. Shauna clamps a hand around my elbow. I grab another arm—I'm not sure who it belongs to, there are too many tangled hands—and look up at her. "Pretty sure we can't call you 'Stiff' anymore," Shauna says. She nods. "Tris." I still smell like wind when I am carried by Uriah into the cafeteria that evening because I am too exhausted and in loads of pain to walk. He had run all the way from the Pit door to the infirmary and then after the nurse reassured him I am fine, he carried me here running all the way. I tried to get him to put me on my chair but he was not having it. I could feel Tobias's eyes on us but I just get out of Uriah's grip and walk on shaky legs to collapse on my seat.

Then Shauna waves to me and the crowd breaks apart, and I look around the table where Christina, Al, and Will sit, gaping at me. I did think about them when I accepted Uriah's invitation but I wanted to do it alone, because I wanted them to know they do not own me. Christina has been behaving in a peculiar manner, trying to avoid me, sometimes and hovering like a mother bee sometimes. In a way, it is satisfying to see stunned looks on their faces. But I don't want them to be upset with me either because suddenly I realize they are avoiding me because of my rank but hovering because we are friends. Shit!. "Where were you?" asks Christina. "What were you doing with them?" "Uriah…you know, the Dauntless-born who was on our capture the flag team?" I say. "He was leaving with some of the members and he begged them to let me come along. They didn't really want me there." "They may not have wanted you there then," says Will quietly, "but they seem to like you now." "Yeah," I say. I can't deny it. "I'm glad to be back, though." I caught sight of myself in a window on the way into the compound, and my cheeks and eyes were both bright, my hair tangled. I look like I have experienced something powerful. "Well, you missed Christina almost punching an Erudite," says Al. His voice sounds eager. I can count on All to try to break the tension. "He was here asking for opinion s about the Abnegation leadership, and Christina told him there were more import ant things for him to be doing." "Which she was completely right about," adds Will. "And he got testy with her. Big mistake." "Huge," I say, nodding. If I smile enough, maybe I can make them forget their jealousy, or hurt, or whatever is brewing behind Christina's eyes. "Yeah," she says. "While you were off having fun, I was doing the dirty work of defending your old faction, eliminating inter-faction conflict…" "Come on, you know you enjoyed it," says Will, nudging her with his elbow. "If you're not going to tell the whole story, I will. He was standing…" Will launches into his story, and I nod along like I'm listening, but all I can think about is staring down the side o f the Hancock building, and the image I got of the marsh full of water, restored to its former glory. I look over Will's shoulder at the members, who are now flicking bits of food at one another with their forks. Suddenly however it all hits me- Christina was doing what I had come back to life for, crap and even though Will and Al are acting nice, I can see the silent question "you come first and then hang out with the members?" But I know just the thing to make them feel better and even though this makes me feel guilty I start acting sick and my acting skills which were nonexistent till now, seem to work miracoulsly. I feel horrible but watch as Uriah, Tobias, Zeke and Shauna come over to where I am and Al Will and Chris start fussing. In this stupid manner I just manage to get to talk to each other while I talk to the nurse. I know that Will now must be watching Christina and Uriah talk as those two are destined to be great friends, however I feel bad for Will. I know how I would feel if I saw Tobias talking to someone else but I am surprised when I reach where they are all gathered. Tobias as usual is acting like Four and talking to only Zeke and Shauna, Will, Al, Chris and Uriah are however another story. They have totally hit off. Now they are laughing as Uriah tells them some story about dauntless which must include Zeke because soon the brothers are fighting. Uriah is bigger but Zeke is faster and has soon got Uriah into a head lock and that is when I decide to enter. After all I do not want Christina to spoil her nails trying to break them apart, now do I? Looking at Lynn and Marlene who are now entering, I see for the first time nearly all my friends in the same place and unexpectedly happy. I just hope this lasts and the nest time we go zip lining there are no hard feelings.

~TIME SKIP~

Uriah sits across from me, with Marlene on his left and Lynn on his right, as we wait for Tobias to run our fears on us. Or rather I wait for that, because the others have no clue what is the second stage about. "So," says Lynn, scuffing the floor with her shoe. "Which one of you is ranked first, huh?" Her question is met with silence at first, and then I meekly point towards me and her eyes become round as saucers.

"You? What transfers, all of you could not even defeat a tiny Abnegation girl?" she asks.

I laugh. If I was still Abnegation, her comment would be rude and out of place, but among the Dauntless, challenges like that are common. "Who's first among you?" "Uriah," she says. "And I am sure you know how many years we've spent preparing for this?" If she intends to intimidate us, it works but not on me. However I am still scared, because even I do not know my fears. I actually have been through my landscape but since I got over my sixth fear and Tobias's landscape changed I am worried about mine too. I already feel colder. Before I can respond, Four opens the door and says, "Lynn." He beckons to her, and she walks down the hallway, the blue light at the end making her bare head glow. "So you're first," Will says to Uriah. Uriah shrugs. "Yeah. And?" "And you don't think it's a little unfair that you've spent your entire life getting ready for this, and we're expected to learn it all in a few weeks?" Will says, his eyes narrowing. "Not really. Stage one was about skill, sure, but no one can prepare for stage two," he says. "At least, so I'm told." No one responds to that. We sit in silence for twenty minutes. I count each minute on my watch. Then the door opens again, and Four calls another name. "Peter," he says. Each minute wears into me like a scrape of sandpaper. Gradually, our numbers begin to dwindle, and it's just me and Uriah and Drew. Drew's leg bounces, and Uriah's fingers tap against his knee, and I try to sit perfectly still. I just hope that my sixth fear does not decide to pay me a visit. It was embarrassing enough the first time.

. The door opens, and Four beckons to me. "Come on, Tris." I stand, my back sore from leaning against the wall for so long, and walk past the other initiates. Drew stick s out his leg to trip me, but I hop over it at the last second. Four touches my shoulder to guide me into the room and closes the door behind me. "Sit," Four says. He squeezes my arms and pushes me forward. "What's the simulation?" I say, trying to keep my voice from shaking because I am so scared of what might come. I feel like I am back in Jeanine's lab, being prodded and poked. I don't succeed. "Ever hear the phrase 'face your fears'?" he says. "We're taking hat literally. The simulation will teach you to control your emotions in the midst of a frightening situation." I touch a wavering hand to my forehead. Simulations aren't real; they pose no real threat to me, so logically, I shouldn't be afraid of them, but my reaction is visceral. It takes all the willpower I have for me to steer myself toward the chair and sit down in it again, pressing my skull into the headrest. The cold from the metal seeps through my clothes. I know what happens I tell myself, I will win, I can manipulate the stimulation, I add. However at that second my Erudite kicks in, no, I have to avoid winning this stage and also not reveal my divergence, or else its goose hunt again but if I do not win, then Uriah will and I cannot let that happen to him. I just hate this GP and GD crap more with every passing second.

His finger s brush my neck. My body tenses, remembering the last time this happened and I have to control myself from blushing.. He taps something, and I tilt my head back to see what it is. Four holds a syringe with a long needle in one hand, his thumb against the plunger. The liquid in the syringe is tinted orange. "An injection?" My mouth goes dry. I don't usually mind needles, but this one is huge and the colour is orange for heaven's sake. What if Eric decided to change the plans and put the serum in early, and catch the Divergent? I start having a mental freak out. "We use a more advanced version of the simulation here," he says, "a different serum, no wires or electrodes for you." He turns my arm over and eases the tip of the needle into the tender skin on the side of my neck. Only Tobias's presence is keeping me from making a run for that door.

A deep ache spreads through my throat. "The serum will go into effect in sixty seconds. This simulation is different from the aptitude test," he says. "In addition to containing the transmitter, the serum stimulates the amygdala, which is the part of the brain involved in processing negative emotions —like fear—and then induces a hallucination. The brain's electrical activity is then transmitted to our computer, which then translates your hallucination into a simulated image that I can see and monitor. I will then forward the recording to Dauntless administrators. You stay in the hallucination until you calm down—that is, lower your heart rate and control your breathing." I try to follow his words, but my thoughts are going haywire. I feel the trademark symptoms of fear: sweaty palms, racing heart, tightness in my chest, dry mouth, a lump in my throat, difficulty breathing. He plants his hands on either side of my head and leans over me. "Be brave, Tris," he whispers. "The first time is always the hardest." His eyes are the last thing I see but what he does not know is that this is not my first time.

I stand in Tobias's apartment and this makes me cringe because I know which fear it s. My sixth fear but I thought I had conquered it. Guess not. Cringing at the thought of Tobias seeing this, I walk forward where I see him making out with some girl. This causes my heart to break but I ignore it hoping to escape this nightmare, trying to calm my heart. Then he turns to look at me and I dimly forget this is not real.

"I hate you Tris, you are small, plain, manipulative and a pain. I can never ever like you, I hate you. I hated you before and I will continue to hate you. You ruined my life, I hate you. You can ruin anyone's life, you and your genetically pure divergence. You killed me and Uriah. You are a cold blooded murderer, you killed Will." He continues to speak and hateful words spew out from his mouth. This is my greatest fear coming true, when he says something that kills me. Tears which were previously flowing down my tears turn into sobs at his words. "I would rather die, than live in a world with you." And saying so he stabs himself.

I kept crying and my heart broke again and again as his last words played in mind. It is not real, it is not real, I chant to myself. Then I realize it's not real. Be brave Tris, Tobias's words float out to me and I will my heart to be hard as stone and then stab myself. I wake up from the stimulation and am met with midnight blue eyes and then he…


	2. Chapter 2- Fear Landscapes

Chapter 3

Got up and walked away. He got up and walked away without even looking at me. My heart broke into a million pieces. The pain is unbearable and tears run down my cheeks as I watch him erase work on the computer. I involuntarily shrink when he places a hand on my cheek. I am so embarrassed, he must hate me now, and how can he love me after all that, now I have done it. I think of all the times we were supposed to have but now won't.

"Get it together Tris," I tell myself, "you are here to save lives, stop acting like a hopeless romantic who cannot survive without him. This is for his own good; he will not have to live with the pain of my death." All the same it still hurts when I start to walk towards the back door alone. I have taken only one step when his hand closes around mine.

"Don't touch me!" I sob. "It's over Tris, see I am right here, you are here," Tobias says and my heart sinks further. Our friendship is also gone now. I try to get out of his grasp, I cannot remain his friend and hurt both of us, I can't. The hand shifts awkwardly over my hair, and I remember my father stroking my hair when he kissed me goodnight, my mother touching my hair when she trimmed it with the scissors. I remember him running his hands over it in the empty room near the dorms. "Tris, I'm going to take you back to the dorms, okay?" "No!" I snap. I have to get away from him. I lift my head and glare at him, though I can't see him through the blur of tears. I get it, he wants to talk. He wants to say that he hates me and everything else but I cannot take it, this is so unlike my Tobias. I should at least give him a chance, I have done so many times and one more time will not kill. Even if he leaves me, I do not want the "what if" to haunt me forever. I have had my share of those."Please Tris," he pleads, his eyes showing how much we need to talk. I nod. He grabs my arm, sighs and grabs me by the elbow, half leading and half dragging me out of the room. I blink the tears from my eyes, wipe my cheeks with the heel of my hand, and let him steer me toward the door behind the computer screen. We walk quickly down the hallway, and then I stop, pulling my arm back. He stares at me in silence. Before continuing the walk. I stare a him for a moment and then he motions to follow him. What can be happening? When we're a few hundred yards away from the room, I yank my arm away and stop.

"What was that Tris?" he asks and his Four face his on. No emotions at all. His eyes, however, tell another story. I can see the desperation in them and love. What? No, I must be seeing things.

"A stimulation," I answer meekly, my anger fading away. I really do not know what to say. Anger is never easy to let go, especially for me but with all that has happened in both my lives, I really do not want to spend our time together in lies and anger. What little time we may have. I get ready for the heart break that is going to come.

"Why do you care so much about me Tris, that my death and emotions scare you? Do I scare you Tris?" he asks, releasing my wrists, with hurt look in his eyes. "You're afraid of me?" "Not you," I say. I bite my lip to keep it still. This is not what I thought would happen.

"Why do I matter to you so much Tris?" he asks again getting frustrated, clenching his jaw in anger. His anger radiates like alight and I am angry as well.

"Why do you think Tobias? Why do you think I would care about you so much?" I am whisper shouting now.

"I don't know Tris, Ok?"

"What do you think? I care about you because I love you Tobias Eaton and have since a very long time," I say breaking down at his name. Now he is going to walk away, he is going to leave me or worse ask questions and throw me out of here, but he does surprises me, he pulls me towards him and hugs me hard.

"I love you a lot too Tris," he says and then captures my lips with his. We both break apart and then he asks me a question too which I have no answer.

"What do you mean a long time Tris?"

Think, do something; I rack my brains before saying the first thing that comes to my mind " I watched you in Abnegation, since then."

He hugs me again and I know my face can rival a tomato at the moment but I don't care. I am just so happy.

"Tris, there are some things I need to show you before we get into a relationship, can you please meet me at the chasm at eleven at night?" he asks and I nod, knowing full well that he is going to take me through his fear landscape.

"However, there is more to your stimulation Tris," he says in a grave tome that always make nervous. He is no longer Tobias, but the Dauntless instructor Four. I know what is coming. He won't give me information without prompting. "What?" I demand. "You're Divergent," he replies before adding "You manipulated the simulation; you're Divergent. I'll delete the footage, but unless you want to wind up dead at the bottom of the chasm, you'll figure out how to hide it during the simulations!"

"I know Tobias but there was no other way out for me, I could not calm down."

"Fine but please know that I will never leave you and try to eliminate that fear, please Tris, the fears keep changing, please do not be afraid of me. I need to go but we meet at the chasm right?"

"Right" I feel my heartbeat in my throat, this was not what I had thought would happen but that does not mean I do not want it.

He walks back to the simulation room and slams the door behind him, before coming out in a second.  
>"I will walk you to the dorms, tell them you got sick after the stimulation," he says smilling.<p>

"How long was I in the stimulation Tobias?" I ask him. I need to know, I cannot be too quick in this stage, I have to stay in the middle of the pack.

"Guess," he replies.

"A half hour?" I ask hopeful. "Three minutes," he replies. Shit "You got out three times faster than the other initiates He smiles a little. "Tomorrow you'll be better at this. You'll see." He touches my back and guides me toward the dormitory. I feel his fingertips through my shirt. Their gentle pressure makes me forget the stimulation for a moment. We reach the door to the dormitory, and he leans against the wall, sliding his hands into his pockets. "I His thumbs hook around his belt loop half smiling at me. The expression warms his eyes and makes my heart jump a bit. It's been so long since I saw him at such ease. He's just a boy, talking casually, walking me to my door. "Tobias but this is not good, if I am too quick then they will realize, won't they?" "I guess Tris, try to stay in stimulations longer. Try to act like how a Dauntless anderline junkie and a confused person would." I think about stepping closer to him, not for any practical reason, but just because I want to. Foolish, a voice in my head says. You will hurt him. I step closer and lean against the wall too, tilting my head sideways to look at him. As I did on the Ferris wheel, I know exactly how much space there is between us. Six inches. I lean. Less than six inches. I feel warmer, like he's giving off some kind of energy that I am only now close enough to feel. I throw caution to the wind and kiss him again. I know we cannot be seen but there is no one here any case. He kisses me back but it is a tender kiss which is over in seconds. ''I need to go" he says. I nod slowly.

I sniff, wipe my face one more time, and smooth down my hair. "Do I look like I've been crying?" I say. "Hmm." He leans in close, narrowing his eyes like he's inspecting my face. A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. Even closer, so we would be breathing the same air—if I could remember to breathe. "No, Tris," he says.

A more serious look replaces his smile as he adds, "You look tough as nails."

When I walk in, most of the other initiates—Dauntless-born and transfer alike—are crowded between the rows of bunk beds with Peter at their center. He holds a piece of paper in both hands.

"The mass exodus of the children of Abnegation leaders cannot be ignored or attributed to coincidence," he reads. "The recent transfer of Beatrice and Caleb Prior, the children of Andrew Prior, calls into question the soundness of Abnegation's values and teachings."

Cold creeps up my spine. Christina, standing on the edge of the crowd, looks over her shoulder and spots me. She gives me a worried look. I can't move. My father.

Now the Erudite are attacking my father. Damn you Matthews.

"Why else would the children of such an important man decide that the lifestyle he has set out for them is not an admirable one?" Peter continues. "Molly Atwood, a fellow Dauntless transfer, suggests a disturbed and abusive upbringing might be to blame. 'I heard her talking in her sleep once,' Molly says. 'She was telling her father to stop doing something. I don't know what it was, but it gave her nightmares.'" So this is Molly's revenge. She must have talked to the Erudite reporter that Christina yelled at. Just like last time, only now I will not react to either her or her snide comments and smiles. "However, perhaps the answer lies not in a morally bereft man, but in the corrupted ideals of an entire faction. Perhaps the answer is that we have entrusted our city to a group of proselytizing tyrants who do not know how to lead us out of poverty and into prosperity." Tears come to my eyes thinking how badly I am failing in my mission; I am so caught up in Tobias that I am failing. Maybe we have to end. Even now, I realize, I am thinking of him. Maybe I should tell him but I should definitely not meet him again. No, I will meet him but I will focus on my mission as well, after all Tobias did not take me to thee zip line. Thank God it healed my legs and stomach or else I might have wheeled Peter over.

I storm up to him lift my heel and stomp as hard as I can where the bones in his foot connect to his toes. He grits his teeth to stifle a groan.

"Why did you stop? Did it end?" I ask while looking at his face and walking away, pulling Christina and Will along.

"Shall we go shopping Christina?" I ask trying to lighten the mood and divert their attention. My breaths come fast, as I wait for her answers.

"It's my turn to get tattooed," she says. I smooth my hair. I can't go back into the dormitory. Ahead of me, Al gives Christina a piggyback ride. She shrieks as he charges thro ugh the crowd. People give him a wide berth, when they can.

My shoulder still burns. Christina persuaded me to join her in getting a tattoo of the Dauntless seal. It is a circle with a flame inside it. Christina also persuaded me to purchase a shirt that expose s my shoulders and collarbone, and to line my eyes with black pencil again. I don't bother objecting to her makeover attempts anymore. Especially since I find myself enjoying them. Makes me feel alive somehow. Will and I walk behind Christina and Al. "I can't believe you got another tattoo," he says, shaking his head. "Why?" I say. "Because I'm a Stiff?" "No. Because you're…sensible." He smiles. His teeth are white and straight. "So, what was your fear today, Tris?" "Too many crows," I lie referring to my first fear. "You?" He laughs. "Too much acid." I don't ask what that means. "It's really fascinating how it all works," he says. "It's basically a struggle between your thalamus, which is producing the fear, and your frontal lobe, which makes decisions. But the simulation is all in your head, so even though you feel like someone is doing it to you, it's just you, doing it to yourself and…" He trails off. "Sorry. I sound like an Erudite. Just a habit." I shrug. "It's interesting." Al almost drops Christina, and she slaps her hands around the first thing she can grab, which just happens to be his face. He cringes and adjusts his grip on her legs.

At a glance, All seems happy, but there is something heavy about even his smiles.

I am worried about him and realize this is my chance. I have failed again and again here except for Edward maybe and saving Al is a chance, I have to help him.

"What was your fear Chris?" I ask with a smile, even though I know the answer.

"Moths," she mutters looking sheepish enough to make both me and Will giggle like girls.

"Al, how is it going for you buddy?" I ask cautiously.

"I would rather not talk about it," he says avoiding eye contact with me. Strange especially for a Candor.

"But you know that we are always here for you right Al, me , Will and even Chris. She may have no filter and is too obsessed with makeup but all of us are there for you ok?" I ask trying to settle his nerves.

I see Tobias standing by the chasm, a group of people around him. He laughs so hard he has to grab the railing for balance. Judging by the bottle in his hand and the brightness of his face, he's intoxicated, or on his way there. I had begun to think of Tobias as rigid, like a soldier, and forgot that he's also eighteen apart from the time we are together that is. "Uh-oh," says Will. "Instructor alert." "At least it's not Eric," I say probably make us play chicken or something." "Sure, but Four is scary. Remember when he put the gun up to Peter's head? I think Peter wet himself." "Peter deserved it," I say firmly. Will doesn't argue with me. He might have, a few weeks ago, but now we've all seen what Peter is capable of but I still have to get out of here. No one knows what he might say especially after today. "Come let us get out of here," I quickly add just in time with Four's Tris. Will and I exchange a look, half surprise and half apprehension. Tobias pulls away from the railing and walks up to me. Ahead of us, Al and Christina stop running, and Christina slides to the ground. I don't blame them for staring. There are four us, and Tobias is only talking to me. As he comes near the thick and sharp smell of alcohol comes in contact with my nose and the now familiar feeling of an unsettle stomach settles over me, making me run. I manage to round a corner before heaving throwing up what looks like my whole month's food. Thank fully no one followed or if they did I cannot see them, without turning back, I run towards the dorms. I stop by the door when I hear laughter and rowdy voices and not wanting to face Peter again in fear of ruining my calm faced, I turn towards the bathroom and then make my way to the chasm. I am just standing there near the railing when someone rushes at me like a rolling boulder and throws me over his shoulder. I shriek, and start kicking and punching until I hear Al's distinct voice and Christina's laugh.

"Maybe you should have warned her Al," Will says and I calm down my face hot. I may not be sure about Al but Christina and Will I know will never hurt me. Of their own accord at least.

"You fine?" they ask in union sounding like a chorus of elementary kids.

"Yeah, I guess drinks do not go well with me," I reply trying to smile. "Come on, little girl," Al says, "I'm taking you to dinner." I rest my elbows on Al's back and wave at Will and Chris as he carries me away while they lag behind. "Four sounded quite concerned and was muttering something under his breath like hurt Tris before her turned to go back when we heard you retching," Al says trying to sound light but he says this almost sadly. " I wonder what that was about?" He still cares too much about me. "Yeah, I think we'd all like to know the answer to that question," says Christina in a singsong voice.

"No idea, I generally do not associate with drunks Chris," I say before we enter the hall, me still on Al's back and Tobias's eyes following me all the way.

I cannot get any sleep that night, I know I should especially if we are going to go through Tobias's fear landscape but I just cannot sleep. I think back to how much my life has changed in the past few months, after my original choosing ceremony. When I first chose Dauntless I had no idea how much my life is going to change, meeting Tobias, initiation, killing Will, saving Abnegation, Amity, planning with Marcus against the Factionless, the Allegiant, leaving the city, David, the memory serum, dying, coming back, failing all my tasks, letting Peter hurt me multiple times, finding out that I am allergic to non vegetarian food, alcohol, my sides are still weak and now- losing sleep. I remember my Abnegation evenings sitting by the fire helping my mother with household work or knitting, watching my father help Caleb with his homework and feeling at peace because I was doing what everyone did. It was restrained but safe. Now I understand why they say that freedom comes at a price and sometimes that is just too hard to pay.

I turn trying to find a comfortable place on the hard mattress when I see shuffling near Al's bed, I watch as he twists and turns gripped by nightmares. His sheets are bunched up in his fists and he fails around caught in the grips of terrors which are not real. I cannot watch this, I cannot let one of best friends suffer, this may be y only chance to show that I am like him, selfish but brave.

I tip toe to Al's bed inhaling the scent of lemongrass and sage while rubbing a soothing hand on his back, trying to calm him down.

"Al, wake up it is not real, wake up," I whisper in his ear. It works, he bolts up, our faces extremely close to each other, breathing in the same air.

"Al, are you alright?" I ask him while taking a step back at the same time. I may trust him but I am still Abnegation at heart.

"Tris," he sighs clearly unable to betray his previous faction but still too weak to answer the question. I want to comfort him but I do not know how. I wonder what my father would have done. My mind answers as soon as the question registers he would have left Al alone. I do just that, after smiling at him I walk back to bed and pretend to sleep. I watch as he falls asleep before making my way to meet Tobias.

He stands next to the railing, staring at the deep desperate waters. Without looking at me, he just starts to make his way to the fear landscape room. I follow him, unaffected by his lack of response, until he injects me.  
>"What is this?" I ask more for his benefit than mine.<p>

"The fear landscape, we will go through mine, it will help you in knowing how to control your divergence, which simply is the Dauntless way to do it and it is also something I want to show you ," he says the last part real soft as I he was hoping that I will not hear it.

Soon enough we are both standing on the top of the Hub, wind ruffling our hair and getting in my eyes. I try taking a step forward to him when I stumble and nearly fall of the building. Tobias's arms engulfed me in the last minute and we both fell down together, me in his arms. He was shaking so hard that I did the only thing that came to my mind, I kissed him. The howling of the wind, the crumbling city and everything else seems distant as I kiss him while we fall towards the ground. I feel his tense muscles relax and finally he kisses back and turns, his back hitting the ground and me falling on top of him. I pull back to smile at him when a wooden board slams into my head and another pushes against my feet. Confinement.

I curl into a ball and pull down so that he does the same. His face is pale and eyes are wide, he must be thinking of what Marcus did to him.

"Tobias, look at me, calm down," I say and pull his face so that I am looking him dead in the eyes.

"You know most people would love to be trapped in a closed space with a girl," I tease with a smirk on my face. I always loved how this conservation went.

"Not claustrophobic people Tris," he says and I laugh placing his hand on my heart.

"Feel my heart? How steady it is?" I ask.

"It is racing," he replies causing my smirk to grow.

"Well, I am trapped in a box with you," I say, causing him to laugh and the boards to shatter around us, quickly getting replaced with a table, a gun and me. What!?

I look at Tobias and see that he too is staring at me.

"This seems different," he says before taking a step forward and adding "normally I just have to shoot someone."

The stimulation me begins to speak and I laugh hearing the words. I can never say these things to Tobias. Hate him? That is beyond me, all I have done since I came is try to get us together again. However, looking at him, I feel horrible because it is his fear of me in his subconscious that is doing this. Fear of losing me and fear of killing people combined to become a deeper fear.

"If you have the guts then shoot, you filthy excuse of a person. Show me that you do not own me coward!" The stimulation me shouts and I look at Tobias. His eyes are bloodshot and he is covering his ears. Gently I touch his back and he looks at me.

"Not real," I whisper handing him the gun. He looks at me and aims the gun at the stimulation me but seems unsure. I cannot even think how difficult this must be for him. But how did his feelings develop so fast? This seriously?

"Do it, she is a mutt Tobias, not me," I encourage and with that we have passed yet another fear at the end of which Tobias has got me in a bone crushing hug. It is only when a shadow falls on us that we break apart but it's not Marcus, it is…

A/N- thanks for all the support people and please give the same support to my new story which I may put up tonight. It too is a Divergent fic and kindly go and read Gravity- Our Time to fall. I would love to know what you think.


	3. Chapter 3- You aren't the only one Tris

Chapter 4

A tall male, that is all I can make out but fear is running through my veins, what is it is Eric or Max? Or worse, some Erudite programmer but Tobias would have known someone is coming right?

"Tobias," I hiss just as Marcus comes out.

"This is for your own good," he says.

Tobias is covering as the belt lands on him and I jump in front and pool it round my wrist. The pain is incredible, is juts out and makes everything else fade for a second but it enough for Tobias to become Four. Pushing me back and he defeats his last fear when I manage to point out the shadow in front of the door. It seems that they are waiting outside. It maybe be Eric and he may have seen what is going on.

I whisper my fear to Tobias and he stiffens.

"He may have figured you are Divergent Tris," he tells me as he holds me close before yelling "Get off me initiate," but I know from his eyes that is all an act. After that he steps out and right into Zeke. They converse for a while pointing at me and I am overwhelmed with curiosity as to what is going on when Tobias waves goodbye and pulls me forward.

"Thank God," I breathe and follow Tobias to the chasm. There he takes me to his secret place and I am about to open my mouth to interrogate him when suddenly we are kissing. He pulls away too soon for my liking.

"I am sorry but I had to act rude because if it was Eric…" he says and I smile.

"So this is how you apologize to girls? They must love it," I tease.

"No, jus you especially treatment for my girlfriend," he says and my heart starts to thunder in my chest.

"So what were you and Zeke talking about huh?" I ask before I realize my slip up and quickly "I went zip lining with them you know."

"I was just telling him that I am taking you on a date," he replies, confusing me, he is making our relationship public? But before I can ask he replies, " he had almost sensed it the last time, he might sense it now, so I told him."

"Last time?"

"Do you think you are the only one who can come back in time Tris?"


	4. Chapter 4- Explainations

Chapter 4- Explanations

"What?" I almost yell stunted because I can tell that he is _not _lying.

'But I was supposed to change the future and how did you die? I mean I thought it was all safe and everything after the serum was released. And everything seemed like the past, you were acting was weird but," I stopped after everything clicked. Tobias was acting weird, how did I not notice it before?

"Tris, time goes differently in heaven and hell than on Earth," he stops noticing the look on my face and then continues, "I have not been to hell but I have a theory. However I do know that time works differently because after you were uh… reborn… like just after you left I came up. And the first I asked was why did Uriah come to take me and not Tris? And why does he not know that Tris is dead? And then God told me that while you talked to him for five minutes in heaven- five years had passed on Earth, in which another war had erupted between the GD and the GP, because the leaders managed to restore the memories of some Beauro workers and of course all of us were targets, I uh... died in the war but to say the truth I was not sad, I thought I would see you again and I did but just differently," he says referring to our current situation. To say I am shocked by his story would be an understatement.

"Tobias, why did you want to die? You had no idea if you would see me again or not, then why?"

"Tris, I did not have a choice, they tried to shoot me and Zeke in our sleep, Shauna was out shopping so me and Zeke were at the shooting range and then we feel asleep waiting for Shauna to return, we did not know that the GPs had gotten their memories back and I tried to protect Zeke and then got shot, I then had to go in the war half healed and so on," he says but his eyes are mad, mad at me for thinking that I do not matter and that he does not love his life.

"So how many years have passed?"

"Five plus two seven years into the future by the time you landed in the net and now bits have changed of course but the two of ours memory will not change. That is why I bagged and forced God to send me where you are, I uh…kind of yelled at him and told that I do not want to lose or have my memories with you changed but instead make new ones and stuff. I guess he likes un- abnegation words," Tobias ends with a laugh and my face is red thinking of what all he would have said.

"So when were you planning on telling me?" he asks after a while of comfortable silence.

"Um… Never?" I ask sheepishly.

"So you were going to build up our relationship on a lie? I get it, it would be to explain but still…" he trailed off as he realized his anger was mistaken and both his and my eyes lose their fury.

"Let us forget it, shall me, my lady?" he asked in a mocking voice and instantly crashed his lips to mine. I melt into the kiss, my arms going up to tangle into his hair which is longer than usual and his hands wrap around my waist, one coming up to hold my hand and… I jerk back rubbing my wrist and he looks at me, guilt in his eyes.

"Tris, I am sorry I did that, I…" he says but I interrupt. "Tobias Marcus did this, not you," I say firmly but his next words literally stop my heart.

"Tris, did you not pay attention to the landscape? I should have known, otherwise you would have understood but that was a mirror and it was me looking like Marcus and the real me being unable to protect you as you walked into the mirror," he completes.

"Tobias you are not like him nor will you ever be unable to protect me," I tell him.

"Tris, I failed to protect you once," his says and the pain in his eyes stabs me like a thousand daggers. I caused that. I…

"Stop beating up yourself Tris, you did nothing wrong, it's just that after what happened the night before, I thought that not that you were over your fear, we would," he says looking slightly pink but I am sure my face is like a tomato at the moment.

"Tobias I better go back, training tomorrow," I tell him after a while.

"Yes, see you tomorrow and please do not slap me this time, you know I have a reputation to maintain," he says with a smirk and I playfully swat his arm.

"I see your ego has grown in the few years huh? We should pull it down now shall we?" I say before I pull his face down and kiss him.

"Tobias, I need to leave, shit! Christina is… oh no," I scream at him the next morning while dressing up in his apartment when he puts his hand on my lips to silence me.

"Tris, Tris, Tris, calm down. It is just five, I wake up early, and you still have two hours, well, two hours and ten minutes if you leave now," he says before I lick his hand.

"Tris!"

"What? You were not leaving my mouth so…" I tease while running out of his door and run all the way to the initiate dorms praying that no one sees me.


	5. Chapter 5- Fights

Chapter 5

I enter the stimulation room brimming with questions and nervous for what the stimulation would hold.

"Tris, calm down, you have done this before and you will be able to do it now," Tobias said before injecting the orange liquid in my veins.

It was the crows again, feeling powerless. I just brought my breathing down and the stimulation ended.

"Crows again?" Tobias asked while I made my way out of the back door.

"Eleven thirty your place," I whispered before making my way to the dorms. Thank heavens no one had seen me this morning or else I would have to answer Christina which I am certainly in no position to do, and the day cannot end fast enough. After waiting for what seemed like eternity but was only two hours I made my way to the deserted hallway where I always ended up meeting Uriah but this time he was not there. Knowing that I would have to wait a while before either Christina or Will came out of the stimulation room, I decided to go to Tori and get a tattoo.

"Hey Tori," I said cheerfully as I made my inside, only to see Al lying on a table getting a tattoo on his back.

"Hey, Al, what is this about?" I asked referring to the design getting shape on his back, t looked like a huge waterfall gushing down, which reminded me fearfully of the chasm, I had to save him this time. Sometimes like today, after spending blissful moments with Tobias I almost forget what I am really here for.

"Oh, I am scared of running water," he said and added under his breath "among thousand other things."

"Wow, that is a nice idea Al, even I will get a tattoo representing my biggest fears, maybe it will help me get over it," I say before I move to Tori and ask her to add another raven to my tattoo. To me it signifies Four, thus in a deep shade of blue, gray and black but to the world it signifies my fear of crows and later divergence.

****  
>I have been tossing and turning on my bed since lights out and finally it is ten fifty, now I can move to his room. Once there I see, he is already waiting for me with the door open and I am about to enter when I hear Eric's voice.<p>

"Keep an eye on Tris, will you Four? She seems divergent to me, you came first and even you could not escape the stimulations within three minutes and her last stimulation had mal functioned too, seems weird to me," he said before walking out.

I pressed myself into the shadows as he walked away my heart beating like a drum until Tobias came out with Max and walked him off before looking around as if searching for someone, until finally I stepped out of the shadows.

"Tris, thank god you are alright. I think they are suspicious or something, they defiantly did not do this last time, I mean they did come to me, and they did sound sure but not so soon," he rambles worried but I watch as gradually the calm and collected Tobias I know takes over.

"Tris we need to talk," he says and pulls me in his room shutting the door behind us.

"Tris, I think Eric might drop in tomorrow, I hope you will manage him right?" he asks his voice aced with confidence _and _worry.

"I will Tobias but what if you know a fear comes out which shows where I am from?" I ask him voicing one of the concerns that have been eating at me since today.

"We will cross that bridge when we come to it," he says but I can see the worry in his eyes.

"Tobias I have a few questions for you," I tell him and watch as his eyes light up with humor.

"What you do not know enough of me already?" he teases before kissing me briefly.

"No, I do but it is just something I need to know like why did you not tell me that you were you? Or maybe why wait so long? Or what exactly happened after I died? Found someone else maybe? Or how could you be exactly be the same as you were and all…" I trail off as I realize how accusatory I sound.

"What? Tris you just want to talk to me all this way, all day this is what you have been thinking about? That I found someone else? Do you think I would have done what I did yesterday if I had?" He asked in an angry tone, making me wince a bit.

"No, its just that," I said trailing off as I realized how pointless I was being.

"What? You are the one who leaves me, dies and then when we both come back to life, I want to make sure you are my Tris or at least not change anything about us if you are not and you accuse me of lying to you, of saying that I might have moved on. You have no idea what it was like Tris, none at all. It was like a part of me had died with you, every second was worse than the first. After a while it became all right but never fine, it was like I was living my life before you came but you showed me that I could be happy as well, that I din't have to be so god damn strong all the time and then you go and die on me, crushing me in guilt, pain and sorrow, you came in like a gentle breeze and left like A HURRICANE. I love you Tris, you." By the end of it both of us are breathing heavy, my angry questions and retorts left unsaid because of his declination.

" I think its better if I leave now," I say before hugging him and going out of the door. However I am not quick enough and can hear the punches and screams. My heart aches to got to him but the pain was raw in both of us, we had changed and we needed each other but we also need to realize that we complete each other. I do not need him nor does he need me, we are complete on our own but the other adds a sense of extreme happiness. I just need to give him time, I do not know what happened in all those years. He too, however needs to understand I did not want to leave him but had to. Why do I have to mess everything up? I am just s bad as I ever was and I guess I will remain so when it comes to relationships but I also know that Tobias is the only one sharp enough to stay with me, I do not even want anyone else. The thought itself hurts so much. That is when I realize that thisi s what he must have felt all those years when I died and what was I doing now? Crying over Tobias when I am supposed to be saving lives, I think it is time I paid my parents and Caleb a visit, I should have told her on visiting day but of course I did not but now is also not too late. David must have told Mom something but I have to make Caleb understand, David will be helping Jeannine, I have to show Mom that all this GP and GD is nonsensical. I have to and with this thought in my mind I jump on the train that is going to take me to my first home.


	6. Chapter 6- Tobias

Chapter

A/N- I am sorry for not updating but my book just got published so…

Chapter

My breathing becomes more and more erratic as the train progresses. We are not too far from Dauntless, I can still jump out but that would be cowardly. However that would also be s=the sensible thing to do, maybe I am not actually solving anything but running like always. Running away from the problems concerning Tobias. Not only that but I am here because of my second chance to set things right and that includes relationships with all the people in my life, like saving Will, or Al and maybe Peter but of all it means Tobias, the man I love.

Then there is of course the thousand rules I am breaking with each step forward, I am not scared for myself but for my defenseless friends. I remember too well, how Eric promised to kick them out, how Tobias saved me that day, in another life. I wonder if he remembers that too. Probably does.

I am right now, not a girl fighting for survival, not a divergent running for my life, right now I am just an Dauntless initiate who is not allowed to leave her faction without a member and whose going back to meet her family, alone, so soon after the Visiting Day would be considered as a regret or a wrong choice. Anger flashed through me, of course not. Dauntless is the right place for me, not because I fit here because I could fit just as well, with and without the flaws in Abnegation and Erudite, maybe even Amity with their bread but because here I met Tobias. He is my home. Someone long ago, when there was no canned food and when people still rode on Ferris wheels, before the war that broke us apart into factions, into GPS and GDs, someone had said something.

"Home is where the heart is," I whisper lightly into the air and my decision is made. I have to face Tobias or Four, whoever he might be now first. He is after all, the only one sharp enough to sharpen me, I recall telling him with a tiny smile. I have to get him with me on this mission.

However, when I look out I realize it is too late. We have already gone past the Dauntless sector but I can still make it if I tried and with this last thought in my mind I jump from the train and begin to run. After about half an hour I am standing in front of _his _door, all sweaty and panting. What will everyone think about this? About him accompanying me to my old faction? Will this give away our relationship? Will Eric catch on? What will happen? Will Mom understand? Will Caleb? The most terrifying question, of all that plague my mind however is- will he understand? What if he says no? What if he shuts me out? No, No he won't do that to me, ever. I forgave him and he will do the same for me. Even after he killed Uriah, my heart launchers, we forgave. I understand now how he must have felt. My head is a mass of jumbled thoughts, as I raise my hand to knock but someone holds my wrist.

"Hey there," he says, his voice sending shivers down my spine.

A/N- Mystery guy! So try to guess who he is! Sorry if this is short but I will re-update it if you all tell me to. And please review. I was extremely sad when I got only one review for my last chapter. If I am doing anything wrong please tell me! And my book just got published so I would love it if you guys checked it out or join the website. It is-

welcome-to-olympus- wiki/ Welcome_to_Olympus_High_Wiki

(without spaces)

And please review, they make me update faster! And thanks to all reviews, readers, favs and follows.

Peace be with you,

Anjali ( who would love to hear your thoughts!)


	7. Chapter 7

A/N- Sorry if this is short and late but I will re-update it if you all tell me to. And please review. If I am doing anything wrong please tell me! And my book just got published so I would love it if you guys checked it out or join the website. It is-

welcome-to-olympus- wiki/ Welcome_to_Olympus_High_Wiki

(without spaces)

And please review, they make me update faster! And thanks to all reviews, readers, favs and follows.

Peace be with you,

Anjali (who would love to hear your thoughts!)

Chapter 5

I looked up into deep blue eyes as his hand tightens on my wrist.

"Hi," I reply, not taking my eyes off this person in front of me.

"I would not make a habit of lurking around my instructor's door if I were you Tris," he says and I wince at the word instructor. That's not all he is to me.

"Instructor huh?" I ask him trying to keep my voice as level as his. I study him once, disheveled hair, eyes unfocused and mouth reeking of alcohol. How similar yet how different is to when we met at the chasm. I can feel the bile in my throat and gag before shoving his door open and puking all over his floor.

"Tris," he slurs dragging the s before asking "are you all right?"

Instead of replying I get a mop, successfully avoid stepping on my own puke and start cleaning his floors, it gives me something on focus on rather than what I keep doing to him. I don't deserve him but I can't let go. After the floor is clean, I help Tobias into bed but don't know what to do next. He falls asleep within seconds and I make my way back to the dorms, he must know what to do, I mean it isn't the first time he got drunk or something.

I collapse on my bed before the reason I had gone to his place originally comes to me, I had wanted answers and then I had wanted my mother. No matter what, choosing Dauntless had been a very difficult choice for me because somewhere in the pit of my stomach, I still feel the guilt and the grief of her death. I am not going to let it happen this time, I will tell the Abnegation not to release the video but if it's too late then I will try to make sure the stimulation gets destroyed but first I will talk to my Mother, tell her that it is our choices who make us who we are and not our genes. I now she will understand, if I tell her all that David has done and will do, she is Abnegation at its best. However, all of this takes a back seat as I remember Eric's visit to Tobias. He might drop in tomorrow; these words freeze my heart over. There is no point in coming back to life, if I die before I can change anything for the better. Till now all I have done, is make things worse, with myself, my friends and Tobias. Maybe, I should have chosen to remain dead but the Abnegation and the Dauntless teaches chide me for that. Irritated with my whole day and the situation I have somehow managed to get myself in, I close my eyes and drift off into a peaceful sleep or as peaceful as it can be when it is riddled with nightmares about Eric. The fact that he acknowledged Tobias's better position reeks of danger itself more than anything, what if he knows or suspects something? He can't have come in time too, can he? And what about my fears regarding Tobias? Will they show up? Am I even Six anymore? Or just a random piece of trash? Will Eric kill me? Or will Jeannie get her hands on me again. I shudder remembering the Erudite headquarters and the memories associated with them, ones I would love to forget but I guess there are some good ones made there like Tobias's and mine first date. However, I knew the second I was re-born that even though I might be able to change the tide of the war in Erudite, it was a very fragile situation, and that I would never survive in there. Jeanine would get her hands on me, sooner rather than later. I am better at work here; because I know how this place works and even though things are changing at least the gist of it remains the same. Leaders are traitors and I must make Peter owe me and I have to destroy or even better change the stimulation data before they can attack my childhood home and kill Jeanine. I still do not trust Evelyn but since she is Tobias's mother, I cannot decide her fate alone. Look at me trying to decide her fate, as if I am God, which I am not.

I turn around and screw my eyes shut, refusing to open then and trying my best to drift into unconscious when I hear the sound of someone waking up. Curious I open one eye to the whole dorm slowly getting up and realize that not only I wasted the whole night thinking but I also managed to miss my one chance of showering without having boys trying to peep in. With my eyes closed, I pretend to be asleep and can hear all the comments that Peter is no doubt making about the Stiff and how for once she might give then some glimpse willing. Gritting my teeth in anger I make a move to get up, when Cristina's hand lands on my arm and I can hear her whisper to me, "I know you are not asleep Tris but keep pretending or else the unholy trio might start making stories about you," and then in a louder voice she yells "Wake up."

"Fine, I am getting up, no need to burst my ear drums Christina!"

"Well, at least you have quit the habit of waking up hours before the sun Tris," Will adds from his bed where he is trying to pull his shirt on without having to stand. Needless, I avert my eyes quicker than any one can say "Amity" causing Christina to look at Will and then start gawking. Slowly I reach up and shut her mouth while answering Will, "No, this will be the only time I sleep in, the stimulations took a lot out of me."

The rest of the day proceeds as it normally does with the stimulation version of crows trying to attack me again only this time Eric is standing in a corner watching me with hungry eyes when I enter. I can still recall it as I step into the cafeteria to have my lunch.

_"Tris," Tobias announces and his eyes flash for a moment to the corner before assuming a blank face. Looking out of the corner of my eye, I can see Eric leaning against the wall, trying to be in shadows and my hearts starts to beat faster. What if the stimulation with Tobias shows up? Or a new fear which shows who I really am?_

_Covering my internal turmoil with the help of a blank yet scared face, I walk up to the chair and sit to face my worst nightmares, which most probably will be a stimulation Eric finding out that I am divergent. "Wait! If the stimulation focus is on my fear, then it might show what I fear at the moment, which will be disastrous! But what if I focus on the crows?"_

_With that in mind, I turn my complete focus on crows attacking me and feeling powerless, enhancing the details as I go under the stimulation, letting the fear wash over me._

"Tris!"

I look to see Christina waving at me and turn towards where all my friends are seated and with a smile on my face, at my earlier accomplishment I make my way towards them, all my worries forgotten at the moment.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 6

I look to see Christina waving at me and turn towards where all my friends are seated and with a smile on my face, at my earlier accomplishment I make my way towards them, all my worries forgotten at the moment.

After all, what I have faced worse, now, haven't I? I think, as I begin to eat while watching Uriah shove spoonfuls of dauntless cake in his mouth and smile as Will tells us humorous tales of the failed experiments in Erudite and I fell as if finally after a long journey I have come home and the feeling only intensifies when my grey eyes for a second look into deep blue ones before he moves away to sit at his usual table smiling the entire way.

However, my smile turns to a frown as I remember our previous arguments, his drunken condition and what all is still left to be done. I have been back for months and am yet to change anything apart from maybe breaking Myra's heart but then I think I just hastened it, it was bound to happen someday. Though how had Edward turned to be someone like that, I stop thinking before my thoughts go in a direction, that will intensify the crawling on my skin and make the bile rising up in my throat actually come out.

"Tris?" I hear Christina ask.

Turning towards her, I smile but I know it is not convincing enough.

"You alright? You look shaken and have not talked ever since we started eating," she asked looking me right in the eye, making it even more difficult for me to lie. Thank God that I have a reasonable excuse.

"No, Christina, it's just the stimulation, it really shook me today, the crows were brutal," I replied staring her in the eye before turning back to my food to avoid her accusing glare, after I have given her yet another half truth.

"Really? Stiff, you are THAT scared of crows? But then what can I say, you are after all a stiff" I hear Peter say and turn around to give him a piece of my mind but am beaten to it by Uriah.

"Peter, you will never learn will you? So what if she's scared of crows? Even then, she a Stiff, can kick your ass in the ring, you Pansycake," he told Peter before turning around and continued shoveling cake in his mouth as if nothing had happened. Somehow, in a weird, coordinated way my all of my friends do just that and Peter leaves with a growl of "Watch your back Stiff! And I hope you all realize soon that she is just acting weak and is going to beat you all to the top again."

Before anyone can ask anything or comment on my top performances, Uriah steps in by commenting, "What a Pansycake! And how dare he insist that Tris is using us! And even if that was the case, which I am sure it's not," he adds looking me in the eye sternly, "why would she continue to be friends with us after she came top? It's not like we can help her in stage two or she can in any way heighten our fears! It was a lame trick, trying to turn us against one another so that we become scared of trusting people! Such a….a…," he looked like he was concentrating really hard to find a bad enough word for Peter and Will was extending his hands to cover my ears, because he said later he was sure language was not used in Abnegation, when he sighed and uttered to no one's great surprise, "PANSYCAKE!"

We all start laughing, our grins intensifying at Uriah's smug smile when Zeke comes and claps Uriah on the back before asking what had his little brother so frustrated and shooting me a smile. I wonder what was that for? Maybe Tobias?

"Wait! Are you two related or something?" I hear Christina ask and Will begins to laugh at her before saying, "Um..Chris I am pretty sure brothers are you know _related_."

And even if the joke's lame, we all laugh at it because it's good to be together, and in my case, I could say, it's good to be home.

A/N- Sorry for the late update and short filler chapter but I promise I will update more regularly and give longer updates like the first chapter!


	9. Chapter 9- My life, my risk

Chapter 7

A/N- So yeah I am sorry for no updating and I have a thousand and one excuses but as an apology, I will get to the chapter straight away.

Needless, to say that I topped the second stage of training, successfully becoming number one again, only this time, I am prepared for Peter to do what he wants and I won't let Al be affected. However, the thought sends shivers down my spine, thinking that this will be my first major change, and frankly? I have no idea how I will.

"Tris, I get it you want to save him but I just don't think he'll change. He realized his mistakes too late and if he doesn't make that mistake, then well, I don' think he will ever get over his insecurities," Tobias said holding my hand as we sat on the rocks where we first kissed.

"I know that thought has struck me too but what can we do? Unless," my voice trails off as the plan forming in my head reminds me of myself in the days after the first battle and my parents' death, a memory that still makes me scream at night, despite knowing that it won't happen this time. I open my mouth to speak but I know what Tobias will say after he hears my insane plan, it is after all just as reckless as the things I had done then.

"Tobias, what if we let it happen? What if I forgive him this time around?" I ask and his reaction is just what I expected.

"What? Tris, are you insane? You could die, if I was a second late, they would have killed you or worse, you know that Tris, do you have another death wish?" He stopped as soon he said those words but continued, "Tris, you have to understand, I, I can't lose you again, please Tris."

The raw pain in his voice, which I have never heard before, breaks my heart as I imagine him living with that after I died and suddenly I feel like a terrible person for choosing Caleb over him in a way, but really, I know he doesn't blame me and I think I was a fool to walk in unarmed, I mean that's like walking into the lion's den screaming that you are there. So what if I had passed the serum, caution is always necessary.

"Tris?" His voice startled me out of my thoughts as I tried to explain my idea to him.

"Tobias, I can't promise that you will never lose me," both my voice and his eyes broke at that but I had a lot left to say, " but I can promise that this time, I will try my best not to be lost, I will not be reckless or stupid again Tobias, and I will never put my life on the line unless absolutely necessary." My words however, only had one reaction from him and that was his saying stupid abnegation values. I knew what he was thinking, that for me every single person apart from myself termed as absolutely necessary and I couldn't say I disagreed but then he loved me for who I was right?

"Tobias, this time I have a plan, yes I will let myself get captured but you will be there near the fountain where they get hold of me and follow them to the chasm, so there will be no danger at all," I told him but he shook his head his blue eyes filled with worry and love.

"Tris, I may come out of the control room early but do you know the precise time they caught you? Or what if they make changes this time around? Also, how do you think, I will be able to withstand or watch them carry you and and do what they did to you?" he pointed the flaws, his voice hard as steel towards the end.

"We will just have to take changes Tobias, there is nothing we can do, for all we know, Al might be in league with Peter now," I said feeling bad for my bulky friend.

"I know Tobias but we will have to take the chances, it's like the muffin shooting we just watched," I refer to Uriah, Lynn and Marlene( Uriah had to shoot a muffin which was kept on Mar's head, they were both challenged by each other, way to show love people) and add, despite the guilt I still feel for Marlene and I can see that Tobias still hurts every time he thinks of Uri, and I know this time he won't let the promise he made to Zeke shatter, "besides, I still need to find out if Eric and Jeanine are still hunting divergents."

"Of course they are Tris, and you don't need to risk your life to find out information," he says agitated but I quickly blurt out my latest thought, "This will help us figure out if they are after me or not Tobias, and we will plan this better but can I not risk my life for my life?"

A/N- Not my best work and a rather horrible cliffy :(

Sorry people for being MIA so long but I promise I will try to update more regularly and with longer chapter, also if anyone has short story requests, I would love to hear them. Thanks for reading, reviewing, following, favourating and putting up with my MIA moments.

- Anjali


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